spiritedsue

Sheeeeeeee's Back

2010-04-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

So many have emailed or called and asked me to post again so I will. I meant to blog every day during radiation. But I ended up being so tired tired tired., some days I couldn't cook or make the bed. I slept 10 to 11 hours with a nap thrown in sometime during the day. I did feel bad at times that I wasn't staying in touch, then I started getting resentful of the damn thing. Then I realized it was OK. I am going through this the only way I know how. But honestly I would have been to tired should I have had the motivation. OK everyone I hope is cool with me, because I couldn't have gotten through chemo without knowing I had so many friends logging on and wishing me well.
So well Radiation is not at all what I had anticipated. I literally thought some kind of fire breathing hose was going to come at me and brand me or something. But no its much more civilized, three very pert and fun Radiation Therapists come and escort you to room 1, 2 or 3. (They are called therapists because they do a "treatment on you". I asked their title because I would have called them technicians.) They study also for 3 years. I then lie myself down on a bed, my left arm up in the air and snuggled into a arm rest. I'm in a johnny shirt and half of my chest is now exposed. The first one was weird as the therapist was a gorgeous 40 year old male and I have to tell you I felt not bad but uncomfortable. But by the third treatment I was fine with him and oddly enough became more comfortable at home getting dressed and looking in the mirror. (I mean he didn't turn to stone seeing my scar.)
So I'm on the stretcher bed, they set you up, its all physics and these lights come on they are holding what looks like a remote control and there is now a diagram of an excel spreadsheet on my chest and they punch in numbers leave the room and the machine comes on and a red beam is pointed at an area on the chest and that my friends is the radiation. Lasts one minute. Then they come back in and position the machine to do the other side.
Most of my treatments we're done at night. Thankfully as I don't know how I could have gotten out of bed before 10am if I had to go early. The 12.30 treatment times I was actually late for twice.
But this family has now gotten through, Diagnosis, Surgery, Chemo x 6,Hair loss, Surgery (Day), Radiation x15 with one more to go. We got through Frank's melanoma on his leg, Robert my teenage drama King with his jigging, his sometimes and often juvenile behavior. But he is a loving boy and is going to graduate.
I got over the shock of Tiger Woods infidelity, that man broke my heart. Frank got over Jesse James and what he did to Sandra. (We are very loyal)lol....Oh and Kate plus 8 what was that which she called dancing?????
On a heavier not we gave what we could to Haiti and watched all the benefit shows they had for the tragedy.
My hair is growing, a woman actually came up to me in a parking lot, grabbed my arm to stop me and said "OMG I love your hair you look ten years younger"!! OK I didn't know this woman, so I'm thinking ten years younger then what?? How old did she think I was doesn't she know I am a paranoid, schizophrenic when it comes to my hair. I mean did she think I was 60 trying to look 50!!! Nope Sue just can't take it as a compliment. Anyways , I am getting used to it and all who wish to comment please do. I accept all compliments readily.
So my chemo weight. Has to be talked about. Gained 15 lost 8, 7 to go to be the weight I was when I had first surgery. Now who says I have to be that weight??? Now granted I want to get into last summers wardrobe but what if I don't?? I've discovered or learned or lets say finally got it through cancer its whats on the inside not the outside. I spent so much time effort money Saturday nights alone doing sit ups worrying, and trying to get down to a size whatever. What did I think was going to happen if I was a size 4??? Would I suddenly look like a movie star??Would a man suddenly want to ask me out. They're alot of issues surrounding many of us regarding weight. It may be 50 coming up it may be cancer and learning what matters but man I just want to be healthy, do my treadmill, eat the cookie and buy the shoes!!!!

The Lazy Blogger is Back

2010-03-27T09:06:00.001-07:00

Yes I admit to being lazy, but its also been a long haul. I just got tired, trying to do too much as always but it lead to a little depression maybe. Oh not clinical but down diddy down down down. Franks knee's started to act up in Louisiana. He had something removed from his leg, it was cancer but they got it all (melanoma) but while he was waiting to see the Specialist he was full of anxiety. Every little tick in his body suddenly was something else. Men! We went to the Dermatologist together. It was a low grade melanoma and he will be fine. Phew!

N ow we're waiting for an MRI for his knee. As well we're waiting for my Radiation to start, they marked me last week, which means I have to be careful in water, not to wash these tattoes off. I kind of melted down over this (which didn't help my low mo row), I mean we just bought a Hot Tub! Guess who can't go in it until the end of Radiation??? Oh Man that was the last straw, I drove home from the Georges Dumont fit to be tied. I know I can be proud of the way I went through the chemo, managed Christmas despite the worse chemo just before Christmas. So this is why I haven't been blogging who wants to hear Sue whine. Not that I haven't whined on these blogs, but things just weren't that funny.

For instance the Sears Bill,now that wasn't funny. See I never had one. Frank had one in his wallet which he never activated,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,So before Christmas we are in Sears, and the Sales Clerk says would you like a Sears card?? Now Frank who doesn't shop, and hadn't been in Sears in years says, well gee I think I have one in my wallet. So I am like whoa lets use it!! Now remember I was a single Mother who although wasn't poverty stricken stayed away from Credit Cards. So we leave Sears with an activated Sears card. Now Frank doesn't realize that I have always wanted to have one. You're thinking well why didn't she long ago just go get one. Because when I was single raising Robb I decided that I would have just so many bills coming in a Month.
I was the queen of budgeting. I digress. So a few weeks later we're watching Television and guess who is having a Sale, and if you get there between 8am and 11am you get like 50% off. So I'm like Frank lets go. I forget what we needed but I am totally on drugs here remember, Steroids which make me hyper. So we get to Sears and I actually get a cart. Now Frank doesn't have this fabulous company he owns because he's a stupid man. He brings a book with him when I want to shop, he settles himself down in a quiet corner and away I go. I really think in my head I thought I was that lil single Mother who was always on the outside looking in. I start filling the cart. I find fabulous deals. Now remember I 'm on steroids. (I'll go back abit) I think after we had bought what we had gone for, Frank says "I'll be over there waiting for you and reading my book. I had looked at my watch and it was 9:15am, I say "I'll see you in about half an hour". Now I find some beautiful blouses, and head for a changing room, well I have brought the wrong sizes so out I go to find the right size. Well guess what? I keep losing my way back to the changing room, and when I would go to find the right size I would see something else that we just had to have and My God it was on Sale and I had a new charge card. Now I did say I was on Steroids and my friends Sandra and Janice are reading this and probably laughing hard they have seen me on Steroids. On steroids I am faster then a speeding bullet, loud, and very funny, and lost in Sears.
I'd say the fifth time getting lost I looked at my watch, 10:45am. Frank I know is probably looking for me and frantic. Because I got lost in the grocery store after my first Chemo, when he found me it wasn't pretty. So now I'm like OMG I have to go find him. So on my way to finding him you'll never guess yup shoes on sale...I stop and start trying on the cutest lil boots that I already had at home or something pretty close. While I'm trying them on I know I'm border line schizophrenic ...cause I send the clerk off for more sizes. I'm feeling guilty knowing Frank is looking for me but I am in a zone here, suddenly I feel someone looking at me I look up and theres Frank leaning over the shopping cart, now when he's mad he puts his glasses low on his nose and tilts his head down. I look up and start laughing hahshaa now I know he's just overheard me say to the clerk "I have a pair at home just like these", because Frank looks at the clerk and says she has forty pairs at home. Then he booms "Sue let's go". So we start going I'm talking a mile a minute about the damn changing rooms being so hard to find. Then what do I see a tray of donuts and free coffee for the customers. Yup I stop and help myself , Frank is almost to the door, I meet a sweet lady from Amherst and start telling her about all the deals. Steroids my God, Frank didn't speak to me the rest of the day. Oh and that shopping cart had about $700.00 in it. He threw the card away when we got the bill. He loves to tell this story to our friends and family he laughs his head off describing me running around with that cart!!!
I'm so glad I blog. How can I possibly be depressed with my life being a Lucille Ball comedy hour.

Radiation or Bust!

2010-03-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

Here we go ..I got my call this morning from the Oncology department at the Georges Dumont and I get marked on Thursday, then I go back in about a week for the commencement of 25 days of Radiation. After this I will meet with my Oncologists have the required blood work and tests to see that I am free of the nasty business called cancer.
But Iam excited to begin the final phase of this journey. Sure its going to be tiring, and watching the area of my body shrivel up a bit .ahem not nice. But I'll make new friends over there I always make the nurses laugh..don't know why I just do. Maybe because I say exactly whats going through my mind. No editing for me. ..Sue Live.
I've spent the last three weeks resting up, sleeping in going off of medications, trying to get my mojo back in the kitchen. I found a cookbook at Frenchy's, its really great its full of gourmet recipes you can cook in 30 minutes. I've decided to try most of them. Last night we had chicken breasts stuffed with seafood, sweet potatoes whipped on the side with a delicious Caesar Salad. Tonight its Hungarian Beef with Paprika. Frank had a bad tooth pulled yesterday and his poor mouth was frozen but what he could taste he said was good. He is so sweet after every meal he goes " mm mmnn mmmmmmmmmmm. Honest to God how could you not cook for someone who says my secret ingredient is Love??
I also is going to start exercising I had to take a week off from the treadmill from overdoing it in my Friends torture chamber aka home gym in Atlanta. I would like to look totally svelte when I go 25 days in a row to the Dumont. I will dress to the nines, a different a wig for each outfit and will not repeat an outfit, unless requested by a nurse or very handsome Doctor. Oh to live in my head. Its fun on my Street. Just don't leave me alone for too long.
Have a nice day. Oh and I will leave you with this little bit of news. Yesterday I celebrated 2 years without a drop of Alcohol...Oh yes I miss the drinking and dialing. Be very happy I never had your number.

To Blog or Not to Blog

2010-03-13T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well I've been struggling with the whole concept of my blog. You see when I started it was to let my friends who are far away go online and see how I'm doing. People and friends loved going on to see how I was doing and to read my humorous antidote's. But when the blog is going to be my negative I had to tune out and get through the downtime by myself to work out my demons I collected on the way.
I struggled with exhaustion and the low immune system, going to Louisiana and getting sick was difficult. It kept me down. The realization that reconstruction was a long way off. The daily watching of hair renewal on my head, eyebrows and eyelashes. Susan being from the instant gratification folk well patience was never my strong suit. Living one day at time is great when you have had a great day, but the sad days the impatient days we're lasting longer then anticipated.
I had to go off sleep medication. This brought nightmares, recurring dreams that I cannot get a hold of Frank. So weird. In all my dreams he is not answering his cell. This is a man who answers my calls whether he is in a serious meeting, a conference call with Japan. He answers so in a nightmare and I can't find him, I wake up crying and telling him off. He just rolls over and says "yes dear". He is so well trained. Well I am happy to say the sleep medication took a week to go and I am better off for it.
You know despite the years of dieting, and never being really overweight this took its tole on my body and its reaction to food. So naturally going off of steroids, sleeping pils, all medication I lost weight I also lost weight because I didn't have to eat to alleviate the nauseousness. Well all of a sudden I also had the taste for coffee again. One of the most difficult thing for this caffeine freak to give up. So lower weight, less food, lots of cafeine, well people we're asking me are you on steroids again. Well never one to catch on early. Hyper Sue was back. Robb my wonderful 19 year old wants his legal identification card. So off to the Motor Vehicle Branch. Well this little carte d'itentite is now $45.00 not $9.00 so yup I'm paying for it. Which is OK. So I send him over to the spot to have his picture taken. Now usually control freak Momma would be right there telling their photographer how to take the pic. But I'm sure Robb can handle this. I hear from a distance the employee asking him if the pic was OK? Now I told you I was hyper right? I had just come from Franks office to tell him good news I had just received from the Plastic Surgeon. At his office I downed a coffee and two chocolates and a caramel. Now due to coming off of sleep medication I had slept in that day and had had very little food. Sue is now HYPER he comes to me shows me the picture, now the Motor Vehicle Branch is empty its big, and I look at the picture and yell (I have no idea how loud I am) and say "oh my God you look like a Felon"! Robb goes into shock he is embarrassed as hell as I continue and say " you just paid $45.00 for that"!! "You look like a wanted Man!! He wouldn't talk to me the rest of the day!!!
It took me two days to get him back on track.
Now I bet you want to know what the plastic surgeon had to say. This is great and is going to make the wait worth it. Due to an old scar she has limited area to reconstruct the breast the same size as the right. So she will make a little one (don't forget the tummy tuck) and she will after that heals put implants in both. TaDA. Now when I told Frank this he looks at me honest to god with a dreamy look and says "38 double D"s?? Imagine after all this hell he thinks only of the size. But it will be fun. Surgery not a piece of cake but hopefully worth it. I cannot imagine not having reconstruction. Everyone makes this decision at one point when they lose a breast. Some decide not to and that I really do understand. I say connect me to a morphine drip and bring it on.
Oh and you know I missed the flowers......................... well wishers for 3 months sent me flowers if they came for coffee they brought flowers. Well Frank gave me roses for our anniversary, and they reminded me of how much I missed them, so yesterday I went and bought three bouquets for 3 rooms and OM goodness Spring has sprung in my house. I am so happy today. I have radiation next starting in less then two weeks. Hope you're all still with me for the ride. xoxoxoxo

Going Into March

2010-03-06T09:59:00.001-08:00

Well I'm definitely not going into March like a lion, more like a lost lamb. Chemo been done for a Month and all of a sudden no Oncology visits, I miss the nurses. No extra mural, no blood work no more flowers.................wahhhhhhhhhhhhh .
So its a new road of waiting instead of being waited on. I loved being waited on. Its not the "poor Susan" stuff its like all of a sudden its not all about me........ wahhhhhhhhhhhh Ok enough of the wahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm moving on. My hair is growing and I like the colour my hair is an inch long and I this morning wondered if I would eventually put blond back in. So right there I know I am coming back to the new/old me. I'm working out on the treadmill and honest to god before cancer I had a flat butt....where did my J-lo butt come from. You see I don't need anyone making it about me I can do that all by myself.
I had some friends over the wonderful thing as I have said so many times are the new /old friends back in my life. So why am I sad?? I'll answer that with growth brings changes and things that will never be the same. Adjustment what a concept? Again one day at time.

February's Update

2010-02-28T08:04:00.000-08:00

Going into February was hard as hard as could be. How many chemo patients get to be whisked off to Louisiana and suddenly be standing in Elvis Presley's changing room at the Louisiana Hayride a huge venue that had radio broadcasts on Saturday nights int he forties and fifties. Many greats got their starts there. The changing room that had belonged to Elvis was never changed or touched. Louisiana was in a state of confusion, exhilaration and shouting Hallelujah from street corners, their cherished Saints won the Superbowl and it was Mardi Gras. Being in New Orleans at this time was surreal. So naturally after a week of all this and going on shoots with Frank and his crews I got a cold that turned into the cold from hell. When our week of shooting ended we were flying to Atlanta for Valentines day. After a week of gumbo, rice, jambalaya, grits and somethings I can't pronounce nor wish to. From my medications and flying I was starting to bloat up.
So we get to our friends who are 25 years younger then us and they are in the music business ans personal trainers. Their frig had "healthy written all over it" , we arrived on Sunday night and the next day Kim my lil body builder says hey sue lets go down to my gym and we'll have a lil work out. INside I was saying not on your skinny arms life plus I have a cold but no I go. Chinese Torture Chambers must be real cause I was in one. Needless to say I couldn't walk and smile at the same time for the next two days. Did I tell you I was in "ATLANTA" Shopping??? No with the cold which was now worse and every part of my body ached I watched literally as Frank discovered "Filenes Basement" and shopped until he dropped!!!! He even bought a new suitcase. I bought two hats. So that's how I ended my 6 months of chemo .......I came home still sick and other then meeting the lead guitarist with Elvis's band and his lovely wife......exhausted from it all.
Now listen I'm not one to whine, I think I have been pretty good going through all this. I have lots to be grateful for.
OK next the 18th of February, I know I'm going to be happy today because that tissue expander is coming out!!! I`ve explained the expander, and I will again, had I not needed radiation this would have been filled on a regular basis to make room for an eventual implant. Due to my protocol I couldn't`t go this way. So I go and have the day surgery and after three days took off the bandages and what did I see ...............how the prairies must have looked from Frank`s window when he was a boy. Flat flat fffffffffffffffffllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. With the expander I had had a bump. Well I start the tears Frank comes in the bathroom, now here is a man who cries everytime he even thinks of the cartoon `Happy Feet``, so I am looking for a hug and he says honey just another `bump`` in the road , I turn on him like an Indian ready to scalp someone then calmly say...do you see a bump there...then more waterworks.
Well its been a week and I am done with most of the dramatics...learning to deal with this. I will have my radiation in April so I will have lots to report then.
My hair on a light note is coming in , here`s a tip to people who run into people whose hair is growing in. Or lets just say if you run into me all I want you to say is ...Oh yes its blonde!!!!!!!!! I don`t want you to say salt and pepper, black, brown. Frank needs a break from my meltdowns.
You know I`ve had struggles in my lifetime and when I think back to ...there..........well I got here. So when I look ahead and see ...where..........I need to go ...I just need to remember I got here, and that I got here one day at a time. Getting to there from here isn`t easy right now, the road seems long and I`m tired. Blogging has helped I took a break and I`m back. Remember I love comments. xoxoxox Sue

Bald is Beautiful

2010-02-02T16:09:00.000-08:00

Oh I try to sound so profound. Well Chemo is done.however I am still breast less on the left side, its cold out and my head is cold. I still have 10 extra pounds from the steroids etc etc etc... Oh poor me my sucker is in the snow today. I still have to wear hats and scarves and wigs. Not so much fun some days. But yup I am optimistic and my hair is growing and before you know it my reconstruction will be here. I have a new treadmill to lose the extra 10.
Oh and I am going to New Orleans on Saturday Frank has a for a week then we go to Atlantat to visit friends there. Can you say Shopping Shopping Shopping. I also get to be the on set Photographer and am getting paid so those new boots will have been earned.,
I have alot to be grateful for. Yes I do. But I am human and its been a long haul. We just want to be at the end of this. I took Robb and his friends to the Mall today they chipped in and bought me a rose. I drove them from A to B back to A then to C all day and they thanked me with that. Funny how I forget and catch people looking at me like I'm a cancer patient. I have never really except when on oncology ever really felt like one. People look , I look back and they cast their eyes down fast. I used to stare at people when I was younger and didn't know any better. It's not like every second person is bald in the mall with their scarf twisted and you can see the baldness. I am lucky I am a little ego based and forget quickly and today I was looking for nice inexpensive photo frames, when I caught this woman staring. I just smiled at her and commented on the beautiful frames for next to nothing.
Hmmn so I guess tonight I am a little hung up on the fact chemo is done but I am still bald still and always be now a Breast Cancer Survivor. Never wanted this. But if God brings you to it He will bring you through it. And he is and I am getting through this. I will never cut my hair again................

Chemo done diddy done done done

2010-01-31T08:53:00.000-08:00

I did it I took the last chemo! I was ready to quit after 4 as I was soooooooooo sick (I did tell you how sick I was right?) I showed up at the Oncology ward in my black bobbed wig (Dr. Bourques fav). With a huge cake for all the angels who looked after me. The thing that was so sad is that so many new patients we're there and they are so young. Young men in their 20's young women in their 30's. So young.
I was the first one there on Wednesday, the nurses who usually looked after me we're out sick 3 of them!!! I felt like a three year old again wanting to say Betty do it or Lisa do it!! But someone new administered the chemo and I did fine.
I hung up my leather jacket and decided to take off my wig and hung it on the same hook. Dianne one of the nurses got a charge out of that. I really don't think I just do and if I can make someone smile while I'm in there then its been a good day.
Frank came early to pick me up. I think our cheeks we're hurting from smiling so much that this was the last one. Oh and that the pic line was coming out of my arm. Frank for 5 months has been afraid of hitting my arm in his sleep and hurting me. I had no idea how this had affected him I mean I knew he didn't like it, but Wednesday evening I went to take a bath and I went to put a bandaid on it and he freaked "NO" you're done with bandaids on that arm...."alrighty then".
Robert my son was so relieved to have chemo done as well. He said to me that he hoped I had gotten enough attention from him, but that he had found this whole journey tough. Grade 12 is a tough enough year, but he knows he will one day have a friend who will have a mother or a sister or cousin going through this and he will know how to help them.
I know alot of my friends are happy I'm done as well, so many have actually felt they have had my symptoms. My lil sister Jennifer during chemo 1 had canker sores the whole week, she didn't know these we're side effects....she says to me "great I'm going through chemo"!!!
I've had friends travel from Saint John and other neighboring towns to have lunch with me. those aren't going to stop!! So much laughter so much sadness so many tears but I'm done diddly done done done.

One More to Go

2010-01-25T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well no meltdowns so far. Usually the day before I start the steroids and go for bloodwork I throw a temper tantrum. But must be because its the last one I am calm ...calm for me. What a run. Its been hard. My toes on my right foot are still numb from the last one. Well one toe. (Iam such an embellisher).
Franks away for the night, Robert hesays he aced his English.exam How he gets 80's in some is amazing as he doesn't open a book He is majoring in his girlfriend!!!!!! Much to my chagrin. Oh the teen years. I however was a perfect teen. Not!!! I remember my Mother saying "you wait young lady you'll be paid back"!! Really he isn't all that bad. But I am being paid back.
Back to the Chemo one left but I don't want it! Ok here comes the tantrum. Nope false alarm.
I got the date today for my surgery on my breast, Feb18th they will go in and take out the tissue expander so they can do the radiation in March. Then I will wait 9 months for the Breast Reconstruction. I'm not going to spend alot of time wondering if the cancer will come back. I'm going to live my life and treat my body like a temple. I don't know if I'll blog when all this is done, I definitely will through the radiation.,
There I hit the italic button again and can't turn it off. oh well
But my hair oh my hair I have quite bit of fuzz and hair on my head!!!! It's blond and dark can't really tell I always played with my hair and what little is there I am playing with. I massage it everyday certain this will increase growth. When its 2 inches I hope to just go with it. Currently there is 1/16th of an inch.
I'm going to Louisiana Feb 6th. Can't wait I will bring my wigs and for a couple of weeks all this will be a dream behind me. I won`t say nightmare because so much good has come from this experience. I have changed my outlook and I am more patient!! I try to look at situations that before would baffle me and now I`m not so baffled. Think think think and if I still need to react I think think think. Oh I still yell and pout. Come on. They took my breast not my lil selfish ways. Those will go with age , hopefully and I intend on living to a grand ol age.
xo

Life-new hair new revelations

2010-01-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

Today I held my best friends granddaughter Ava. I 'd seen her pictures but saw her in person for the first time today. As I held her I looked at her and with 100% assurance that by the time she is a teenager there will be a cure for breast cancer.
A cure that doesn't take you're breast, you're hair, your self esteem, and as I write this there is so much breast cancer gave me. It made me see that I am quite humorous and definitely have a sense of humour. I have courage, I am brave, I can get through it if god brings me to it. I have seen friendship that knows no bounds, I have a love from a man that I thought was only in the movies or books. I've watched a son go from an immature teenager into a man.
People tell me they admire me and I like that except I know these people would drum up all that they have to fight this fight. Because others have and they are fighting.
I had lots of plans while going through this. I thought I would do a series of paintings inspired by the cancer and the journey. But that is on hold until I have more strength, I get one good week or a few days between chemos and that strength has to go to my family.
I went without wearing my wigs for almost a month, just wore scarves or hats. I wore my wig yesterday and was hit on two different times!!!!!! Ah yeah wearing for now on. Whoohoo never thought I would feel sexy again but I did. Who doesn't like a lil attention , just because they were in their 80's no just joshing... 65!
Because of cancer I know what someone with a disability a really visual one feels like. People see that I am bald and jump right to cancer and I get the "cancer smile", or they look and look away really fast. Like they'd turn to stone if they looked into my eyes. I love the ones who have had loved ones take this journey, if they have been touched by cancer they have a spirit that is so genuine.
This week this feeling really good week, I have laughed more and enjoyed more of people places and things then I have in months. I know this will all soon be behind me and I will get less and less attention, all ready people are like "this over yet".
Touching my peach fuzz and guessing the colour my hair is going to be is a favourite game many play now when they see me. This is actually fun, because all emphasis is off anything sad.
I know there was alot more I wanted to say tonight but my short term memory has everything erased.
xoxo
1 chemo left jan 27th pray for me please, I've made it through 5 without serious complications all fingers crossed. Then I'm on to the next phase of this incredibley long journey. Ahh but the trip has been fascinating.

First leg of this trip coming to an End

2010-01-18T09:34:00.000-08:00

Well the chemo part of the Breast Cancer life is coming to an end soon. Then it will be a whole new phase whole new me. As I wrote that I thought no not whole still missing a breast. Funny my thoughts. But I am whole I am me with one Breast. Its funny how this whole blog has mostly been about my breast. Well it is breast cancer. I can stand naked in my bathroom and look in the mirror now and feel at ease with my body. Now I say ease I can stand myself and don't feel like an alien. My it was hard at first. I sometimes wonder if I will get the cancer in the other?? But I don't dwell or go there for long. If I do then this whole process will just be repeated only I will be in Greece thankyou very much they must have Oncologists there who would love to have me.
Well the phone rang twice and interrupted this blog. I went to the gym today!! First time in quite a few months felt great. Lost a little chemo weight looking good and feeling good today.

Running Through January

2010-01-13T15:28:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe I am actually sitting at my computer. Its like I'm in a race and I know I'm going to win but I'm going to break every long distance record ever run!!! While I'm in the race. Phew can't catch my breath. Good thing American Idol is on this month i can stop and watch that. I got out of bed 5 days after chemo this time aching limbs and all (love being a martyr) just to speed things up. Ended up back in bed today but its the 13th of January. Two weeks and I have the last of the chemo treatments whoo hoo yeehaw let the bells ring. Yupo can't settle myself down, I could stop caffeine but wheres the fun in that?? Good thing I don't smoke I'd be blowing smoke out all orifices. Can you feel my tremors my excitement my energy.
OK OK I'll settle down here. Frank loves my new peach fuzz look thank God. I have like a halo on my head, I'm so proud I almost went wig less today at the grocery store...but come 0n no one ever miss took me for Christie Brinkley think I'll keep the wig on for awhile.You know if you haven't had cancer and chemo treatment I'll give you an idea as to what the end is like. Its like a bride waiting for the wedding day, or a woman who knows her due date. Its so exciting knowing the hardest thing in my life to date is going to end. Be done. Oh January I've always loved you but please speed on. xo

2009 phewwwwwwwwwwwwww

2009-12-31T18:37:00.000-08:00

Well a year ago I dreamt of a new house started with wanting a new frig, Frank said no no no I said then how about a new house. He said well maybe a bungalow................ ha I got the house and the first day in I said "OH No" that's not the frig for this house and voila I got a new frig. Dream big girls dream big. I said last year I am tired of this bedroom set..its old and voila I got my four poster bed!!!!
Well I also said a year ago..."Frank for $5000.00 I can have any size breasts you want!!!! Ha I'm getting new ones but ... the surprise was the price I have to pay is breast cancer. You know its not funny and the chemo has been hell but when this is all over with I will have new breasts and hopefully a nice size. Sometimes I say well I'm lucky breast cancer has taken lives, mine was stage 1. But you know Lucky isn't the word, there's no luck just my mountain has been my mountain. Yes lots of people have climbed theres and won, reached the goal line.
I seriously thought two weeks ago that's it I'm telling my Doctors I;m done no more. but I will have the next one and I will get through it. I;ll cry and stamp my feet and do my monthly two year old tantrum but the alternative would be to give up and I can't. Its my Mountain I'll climb it but I;m not climbing it alone. This past year so many friends and family and acquaintances have all stood in my corner loving me and urging me on, how can I stop now. You know I would love to be looking back and to be looking at another type of fall. Planting in my new yard, painting taking pictures a few trips to Montreal with Frank. But I am looking back at this fight, my first walk for the cure, my first exercise class with Breast Cancer Survivors, my first chemo where I cried in the room with the nurse. How my son hit the wall with this, how Frank walked like a zombie for a week,my Mother melting down because I blog and tell the world (to her the world) about my daily thoughts. I love how my older sister Patti stepped up and took me to chemo when Frank was away, calls everyday comes over, we go shopping together to Damascus for coffee. This sister who I thought never got me has been so here for me.
I'm looking back at all the people who care and cared and who are still caring for me. A special lady who nursed her husband when he had cancer, he lost his fight but she prepared me for so much.
But if you look back you go back and I am looking ahead now to 2010 wow I'll be 50 this year, I'll be ending this war and winning it. And best of all I will have the best boobs in town. Happy New Year

Hellllllllllllllo Merry Christmas

2009-12-29T17:34:00.001-08:00

Well I laughed again today. So the near death chemo experience is behind me. Well Ok I embellish not near death but I did want to die at times. It was awful they said it would be and they we're right. Aches pains swollen muscles joints I could feel my tendons swelling cartilage swelling. I could tell when an army of white blood cells we're moving in for an attack! No well Ok again I embellish but it was not a walk in the park.
But Christmas came and I was spoiled rotten nothing like a little breast cancer to fill the stocking boy. Even my sister in law who never gives gift except( the gifts of love and food) she even gave me a gift. So yup cleaned up. You know those baskets you buy tickets on filled with perfume candles chocolate?? Well I even got one of those. Ok Ok enough. But I was sick did I tell you that?
Another one on the 6th of January boy can't wait to go through this again. But I will and I am and its because I refuse to not do whatever I can to beat this bull.
Anyway we had Christmas and Franks son came with his girlfriend. Such a great time they brought their dog Happy, he is a great boy. Shed all over the house, howled very loudly when someone came to the door. Callie our cat wasn't pleased at first, but it wasn't long before they we're sniffing eachother in all those crazy places . So that created a bit of bedlam but was fun. We'll miss Happy.
Did I tell you how sick I was last week????????? Happy New Year

The New Me!!

2009-12-13T04:31:00.000-08:00

Don't worry the old is still here. But I am feeling like the me before chemo for the first time in weeks. Feels good. Well yes and no the old me was a hypochondriac, vain, worry some, controlling,,,,OkOk I'm feeling like the new old me, sweet, loving, giving, laughing all the time.
I think its Christmas and the excitement of connecting with old friends, and that actually on face book I'm going to get to wish people merry Christmas know how they're doing. By the way if anyone gets a diamond ring don't tell me. I want one don't know what Franks waiting for. Wow selfish me. He just bought me a four poster bed I've wanted one all my life. But no ring whahhwaa waaaaaaaa waaaaa ring. Its OK our anniversary comes up in February could get i t then. I keep singing to him oh"on the fifth day of Christmas 5 (real loud voice) 5 Golden rings!!!! He doesn't always laugh at this.Well another chemo is around the corner and well all I can say is "Bring it On"!! I survived the first 3 , the nauseousness , dancing on the ceilings from the steroids, 8 pound weight gain which you would think was 100 the way I go on about it to Frank. The heartburn, tiredness oh and lets not forget the hot flashes, llllllllllllllloooove those, followed by mood swings, almost split personality mood swings. The best for last is that all food tastes burnt. We went to Dairy Queen one night (treat for the teenager) and everything that had been fried in the fat that those french fries had been fried in I could taste. Onion rings, chicken all that flavour in 1 oily french fry.
After two weeks of all that 1 week of normalcy and then I get to go again. But I love my life. My friends are fantastic, acquaintances of those friends are supporting my friends. So many help you get through this. Whenever people see me in public they tell me how great I look, this makes me happy. I think its the smile because I'm so happy to see them. Wee had the staff party for Franks company here we had a blast. 3 guys plus Frank brought their guitars we danced, ate , sang. Three non alcoholic beers later I was speaking french.I used to think alcohol gave me the confidence to speak French but the confidence comes from in side , building you're self esteem daily, now I made some mistakes but they understood me.
Before I sign off I want to advise some of you who haven't as yet purchased those 5X times the size mirrors for you makeup. I am now obsessing about the wrinkles on my ears. Don't do it yourselves..
xoxoxoxo

The Breast Divide

2009-11-28T15:35:00.000-08:00

Well just a meltdown with my cat this time with chemo so all is well. But some really nice revelations and turn arounds. Thought I'd share. You see I lost the breast and thought I had accepted it but no not really. I loved my breasts and my body OK didn't love love it. I was always controlling my diet. Tried hard to look good which is normal most women want to look their best. But I was really forgetting to take a bath and a shower girls. Ok Ok I did but not like i used to . There were a few days I couldn't remember my last one but thats chemo short term memory loss.

I go take a shower and walk by the mirror and duck literally didn't want to see the scar. So I mostly bathed. But you know time does heal all things. Well maybe it does or doesn't I like to think that it does. So the last week (8) days, Frank was away and I freely walked around bald, didn't worry what I looked like. Looked after my teenager got things done.

Some things I did I don't think I'd do again. I bought chemo sweaters big sweaters that hid my body. So Friday Frank is home and a friend drops in and she's all dressed up she'd been working looked pretty in her suit an makeup. She left, then another friend dropped in, looking fabulous and I'm sitting there in my chemo clothes. Feeling not to sexy or beautiful. Something changed in side that night I went into the shower and washed my breast I looked at it and washed it. Patted it dry and put cream on it. You know I wasn't even cuddling with Frank unconsciously I was letting the breast that is gone separate me from myself and him and well maybe a few loved ones.( No NO know what you're thinking no love ones played with them sheesh.) I walked in on my sister changing one day and she turned and there her girls we're. Jeolous yup maybe down deep and I don't think these feelings are unusual.

So I am starting to love the side of my body that got sick. I feel sexier wearing some slim fitting clothes and feeling it on the inside and cannot wait to spoon tonight and no more great breast divide. Thanks for letting me share, it is so healing.

love Sue

Saturday Night

2009-11-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

Well its been another week and hopefully I am another week stronger. I know my son is and that is a good thing. He got a little turned around and is finally my Robb again. Frank is in Montreal until next Thursday he left Friday morning. So I am keeping busy starting to decorate for Christmas. I am starting to see patterns with myself and into the third week when the chemo bloat has lessened, I can taste food again, I'm not ADHD on the steroids I start to whine that I have to go through it all over again. I know there are people worse off then me and try to count blessings but usually a meltdown happens and thankfully it was just over the pool which seems funny now.
I went to an exercise class at the YMCA for Breast Cancer Survivors and women like myself going through the chemo, some going soon for reconstruction. It was hard at first I was almost late for the class so I walked into a room and all eyes looked at me. This was hard and I wanted to cry but I didn't. I never thought in a million years I would be a part of this group. But I'm here and I'm trying to go through this with humour good attitude. There is alot of progress for all Cancers now, I will kick the ass out of this.
I don't know if I told this story but my grandmother Jarvis had a friend who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 30 years ago. She had her breast removed and lived another 4 years. This lady was 91 when she had her breast removed. She is one of my heroes and I think of her when I have a bad moment. When my sister Judy calls and I'm having a bad day she says Ok Sue you can have a bad day but it doesn't have to be a bad week so snap out of it. I thank God for her.
So many are holding my hand through this, Thank You.
I will end with this last week I was getting ready for an everning and started to cry because nothing fit, Frank was on the bed watching Golf, I walk in crying, then I caught a look at myself in the mirror. The tears were streaming down exactly in th e middle of my cheeks. I looked at Frank and said "look honey I'm crying like the actresses", we both cracked up.

Hit the wall again

2009-11-17T17:39:00.000-08:00

I go go go go one..........It's just I have all this energy. Or maybe I just want to go fast so this journey will be over with. This is one thats hard to say "sit back and enjoy the ride". Despite that I have had some amazing experiences and some fabulous people mainly women have come into my life and its been fabulous. All of a sudden theres all these women my age going through the late forties thing. I was alone for awhile, not by choice just the way life went. My friends became wives of Franks friends and associates, most of them wonderful but nothing compares to the gals from Riverview High, and friends made along the way.
Anyway I flooded the basement as you know if you've been following me and Frank and Robert decided to start moving some things tonight. The movers are coming tomorrow to put everything back. I am excited about designing a new spare room in the basement. So Frank puts the bed inthe new room I go down to make it and Frank has put the outdoor pool under the bed. So its stuck and I can't move the bed and he put the bed where ...yup I wouldn't have put it. So I FREAKED THE HELL OUT OVER THE POOL. Then I cried like a two year old having a complete meltdown on its Mother........................... The pool is no longer under the bed.
Now I feel great. Robert is making me a CD and Frank is downstairs (maybe setting fire to the pool) but I think making me popcorn.
I'm sure both Robb and FRank want to sing "she ain't pretty she just looks that way"!!!!

Hello Again

2009-11-15T14:37:00.000-08:00

Well it was another wonderful round of chemo. Hi's lows in between but I have an amazing team looking after me at the Hospital that will not complain one bit. This is all to make me healthy, and scare away any future cancer cells that think for one minute they are going to rest in this body. Speaking of bodies chemo has and the steroids and all the medications have wreaked havoc on it. I take god care of it, but it's not mine its been taken over by bloat, sponge like feelings everywhere, hair here and there, thank goodness I still have eyebrows and eyelashes. Yes its clear as a bell down south (in case you we're afraid to ask). I go to wear something and nope doesn't fit it did last week but not this week. By the next chemo bloat will be gone and my body will be ready to take it on again. Exercise well more then a little walk is all I can due because I need my strenght when I get the tiredness which falls upon you with absolutely no notice. Its like the neighbor who drops in the minute your bath water is perfect. You do know when your ok to drive and go out but there is always a plan B in case. But the last 7 days before the next chemo I really do feel well and pretty much like my old self. So I have two down and 4 to go .
So I've been watching the guys renovate my basement due to (if you remember) I had a flood int he basement and had fun showing up and chatting with them on Thursday every time I went downstairs I had a different wig on it was really funny. Great bunch of guys. They were scarlet when I showed up bald. Too funny.
My teenage son has been predictably dramatic for his age. He has a girlfriend and the sun of course sets and rises on her head. I like it when she's coming over he cleans the whole house empties the dishwasher cleans the littler box. Gotta love it. She lives naturally at the other end of Riverview and the driving to and fro is new for us but hey. They grow and are gone pretty fast.
Franks been great. I decided Friday night since I was feeling better to maybe get a lil romantic for him. So I put on a nightie that I had bought and hadn't tried figured it would fit. So I go and put it on, going over my head I knew I might be in trouble. I squeezed into this number, look in the mirror, it is hugging my body to death. I am standing staring at a bold person every new ripple is showing, my left breast or where it was is looking at me flat and furious the right looks like it might hit my chin, my arms look like a linebacker.............did I mention I'm bald? Franks lying on the bed I turn and face him and say well I don't think this is sexy?? He looks up and says "well its a bit challenging"!!! OMG I grabbed scissors and had to cut myself out of the nightie. If and I plan on living to be 100 I will never forget what I looked like in that mirror. Yup the last chemo can't come fast enough!!!

Where did I go????

2009-11-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

Well apparently I have a sexy head! My sister Judy came over to my sister Patty's house to see me and my new nodoo! She said she was ready to start crying and she goes holy man you would have to have a sexy head and laughed her head off. See she has always wanted hair like mine and says even bald you beat me!! HA sisters!
So I got over it. Losing the breast still is worse as it can't grow back. Well I have a sexy head so great. The hats and the scarves have their own drawers, I did the big put away of all sexy bras and sports bras little baby dolls all sexy things with wires and stuff that just won't fit this new chemo body. I was a little sad but its so part of the process and month ago I couldn't face it but I did last night.
Now don't get wrong I bought nice jammies to and sexy ones too.
So I just finished my second round of chemo. Well it went great. But heres the thing they give me steroids. I could have bench pressedx 150 lbs on Friday. Unreal. I cleaned out junk bdrawers, rearranged furniture, cooked, baked, visited, it was unreal. I was truely the eveready battery and hit the wall gently last night around 8pm and slept until 8 this morning. Lucky could have been worse.
Lil nausea but they give you stuff for that too. Waiting for the H1N1 needle. that was a scary and annoying week listening to all the news and people freaking about it. Should I get it or not get it. I understand peoples concerns but enough already. Flu season is almost over thank god.
I heard conspiracy theories anyway.
So I'm getting through this. My Dr. told me that in the last ten years none of her patientsdiagnosed with breast passed away from it. My Onacologist is so good too. She is like 31 gorgeous, I keep asking her if she's married, hey I know nice guys, anyway she won't tell me. I think she thinks I'm a little nosey.
Yesterday was fabulous. The high school reunion we had this year in Riverview brought so many people back into my life. I am so lucky. Yesterday I had alot of laughs with Jill , Janice and Sandra , so many of you are keeping me going and ifs fabulous.
You know I say they didn't cut my ego or vanity out, but other things are going. Whats important to me is becoming more real everyday. For example Christmas... never really loved it. When I was a single mom it was counting paychecks until christmas. Robs father always got Rob so I'd be alone. When I did have him he would leave to his Dads on the 26th.
He's older those days are gone and I am sooooooooooooo looking forward decorating my new house, putting up the tree, baking cookies, wrapping presents, theres woods behind the house so you know I'll be spray painting twigs and stuff.
Yup this year I'm going to celebrate my beliefs, and get into the spirit, anyone who wants to come and celebrate or do crafts please come. Or just come and drink coffee and eat cookies.
Just come.
xoxoxoxox

2nd chemo done yeah

2009-11-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

I just deleted my post b y accident had a late phone call so will have to write this tomorrow,if you have signed on to read about my life in suspended an imation tune in tomorrow. I promise to make it a good read. love sue

Ouchy Ouch

2009-10-30T12:58:00.000-07:00

They said my hair would fall out but they don't tell you your head feels like a sunburn, you know the kind of sunburn that nothing can touch you're skin. But I just take e Tylenol and when my head is ok I try on my wigs. I haven't taken any calls this week well not many its to hard to chat. I have some pretty amazing friends. I have another chemo on Wednesday ughhh but after that just four more to go. I look forward to Franks grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh and ice cream udderly divine is the best.
My teenager is not adjusting to my illness and causing some turbulence please pray for me and that boy.
My cat has been out all day the lil tramp as well, poor thing is having a hard time finding mice. I went to Look good feel Good at the hospital. They showed us how to take care of our wigs, how to wear scarves, how to put on makeup. I cried the first 15 minutes (they didn't see) it was hard to accept I was one of those women. Some sat so proudly with their bald heads I am so not there yet. I may never be but I think I will be. I want to go through everything. I had my hair cut so short yesterday and oh I never wanted short hair on me. When I am feeling like myself I try the wigs on and am getting a little more friendly towards them.
Some ladies at Look Good told their stories and what it has been like for them, it was nice knowing I am not alone. The lady next to me was waiting for her pathology to come back. I remember how tense that time period was, and hey I got through that.
Well I have no more to write, I do have joy my light is just not shining today.
God bless my friends.

Time Travelling

2009-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today I want to go back in time, before this diagnosis and journey, to a time I had two breasts and I would take the worst pms day ever. I woke up today sad just so sad and longing for that breast that always gave me pain and grief and would grow larger then the other during some menopausal cycles.

I remembered today when I got my first bra, I ran up the street to show all my friends, I literally threw up my top and proudly displayed my first entry into womanhood. Those of you who know my smile picture it like the jokers from Batman huge and proud and thinking how envious are you. I would take that day back in spades, maybe I will re enact it when I get my reconstruction, however Frank may not like that. People don't know what to say when you mention the mastectomy, I wonder if some women imagine themselves holding on to theirs for dear life and hoping they can't catch what I have. Oh yes the alternative would have been not to have caught the cancer, what if I'd had a lumpectomy would they have found the second tumour lingering against the chest wall.

You know writing this down and knowing my friends who love me are reading this and going through this with me is so healing you have to know it is making me better. Some days however humour just can't cut it.

Off and on all day I would just start the sniffling and Frank poor thing just doesn't know what to say, then he comes and gives me a hug and pats me with a little too much empathy and hurts the incision area under my arm and he just dies inside.

We went for a nice walk, now this is a new thing due to breast cancer Frank only likes to walk the golf course, so after one of my sniffling sessions he agrees to a walk and he loved it. When I said do yo want to go further he practically yells no, but he will go again, very therapeutic.

My shopping (some say addiction) look if shopping at French's is an addiction.............there are alot worse I could do. But even that isn't helping when I feel like this.

So I just say shit shit shit out loud by writing my blog, whine alittle with you and Voila I feel better. I did wear a bra on Friday and I could be having worse symptoms then I have had so Susan smarten the hell up.

As always thank you for listening and when I have a new breast all treatments are done I am cancer completely free..I may flash you my new chest.

Fantastic Day

2009-10-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

This has been an extraordinary day. I wore a bra today, I feel like singing Shania Twains Man I feel like a woman!! The right one was really starting to blend in with my tummy.

By the way I'm also typing on a laptop Frank brought home to me today, the keyboard is a french keyboard so I will be making typing mistakes again I apologize for my grammatical mistakes I really am trying to improve my use of the English language. OK back to my day.

Breakfast with one of my childhood friends Therese, then Frenchy's, OH JOY OH BLISS. Home for lunch then went to Frank's office and saw his staff, who are sensational. Then to the La Martinique to pick up my wig. (So Jennifer Anniston). Then to the Mall to finish off my new wardrobe. I ran into a really nice lady I worked with years ago and we had a nice chat.

Now you have to hear about my cat Calli: well Calli who is an indoor cat who likes to think she is an outdoor cat started to rant at the door. Then she was all over me meowing rubbing against my legs I stepped on her tail she didn't move, kept bothering me. So I said Calli it's a mouse isn't it? So I let her out and sure enough when I came home there was a mouse on the door mat. I go upstairs (Rob had let her in) and she is looking at me so dreamily. Since my diagnosis all field mice are in big trouble. I am starting to really feel sorry for them. Anyway I think this is funny. So I now have ESP with my cat.

I am noticing however that Sales Clerks, Doctors, Hairstylists, Receptionists....all these women that I spoke to on my fantastic day have one thing in common ...here it is.....OK I'll say it why start censuring now....WEIGHT ISSUES!! Come on I thought I was alone in this, hating the scale, legalizing some foods and banishing others forever or until the deprivation gene associated with this malady goes through cell division and all of a sudden the brownies they denied themselves for 3 weeks are on the counter and in the mouth. OMG we need to help each other. Weight gain is a natural right of getting a li'l older, we don't want the 25 year old body again. OK so plastic surgery is a billion dollar business some of us want those boyfriend jeans or skinny jeans , I mean I may have a slight addiction to shopping and we are building a new room for my shoes but come on lets eat, walk a little and stop dieting, stop the cleansing, the south beach, all of it. If the effort I put into dieting the last 30 years and worrying about my looks I could have a doctorate in nutrition. You know what some of us look good with curves, some of us have ruined our set point forever. During my fantastic day today 4 woman mentioned to someone who is bloated from chemo drugs, has to eat every two hours to not feel nauseous, how much weight they have gained. For me this is sadder then breast cancer. Are we going to be judging ourselves at 90 years old on what the scale says. Look for health reasons don't eat the whole pie but eat a piece of it buy the skinny jeans and feel sexy in them. Listen those of you who are unhappy with your weight tonight, do you think all the diets I went on meant anything to me last week when I was hooked up to chemo??? I'd give anything to never have had bought a diet book or given one to someone to help them lose, because I had lost weight on that particular one. My dieting journey started at 13 and ended August 24th 2009 with a Breast Cancer diagnosis. I will have relapses I will when I see myself falling back into crazy food thoughts, remember an email sent to me from a high school friend whom upon reading my blog picked up on my disorder and gently reminded me to lose the crazy thinking and eat. We need to be a sisterhood we need to talk about our good deeds who we helped today not what the scale told us to think about.

Thanks for listening and helping me my dear friends.

I week post chemo

2009-10-21T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well we got through it. Was a new experience and now we know what to expect. I remember old movies with people near death, black eyes, the vomiting, frail. Wasn't like that for me. Firstly I am not dying, chemo has been infused into my body to claim all foreign cells, cancer cells and to make me well. Hell of a cocktail with a 6 day hangover. However the raucousness is crazy, lots of pills for that, steroids, oh boy steroids they give this unreal energy then you fall like 40000ft. You are literally up then down. But I think the week went by fast. Its a vague memory now.
We've had unreal help from the family, friends have been fantastic, the sweets in the house are causing buttons to literally fly off Franks waistband. He is a little upset by this. He claims he's losing a little. I love him just the way he is. Robb is benefiting from all the homemade sweets as well, there is literally a crummy line from the frig down the stairs to his room. But my guys are eating .
My head is tender and the hair starting to come out a little. Went for a fitting of my $1200 wig yesterday. Blonde long beautiful natural waves. Friday we style and there I am happy. Our health plan covers it so I don't feel too indulgent. I will wear a synthetic one as well and I will donate the real one when this is over. OK so I'm justifying a little here, remember God isn't done with me yet.
I'm reading a book called "The Intelligent Patient Guide to Breast Cancer" 4Th edition compiled by leading Specialists. It is clear and is helping me to understand a little more, my Mother thinks I'm positively brilliant on the subject now. Speaking of my Mother I don't blog about my Mother. I've discovered through this Breast Cancer Journey that I am not my Mother's Daughter as I had once thought. I look like her sound like her, mannerisms the same. But we are two complete different characters in this play of life, . But we'll save her for my Therapist and perhaps a future blog....... I admire who she was, and her accomplishments. She is quite funny and I enjoy her, but at her age she is having a tough time with this Breast Cancer Diagnosis. She definitely doesn't choose to understand or read my blog.
I'm hoping next week to start in my Art room and do something creative. I have tons of ideas and if anyone has any ideas for me or would like to come and do a project with me I am open. You just have to wear a mask on week 2 post chemo, not have a hint of a cold or live with someone who has the flu or cold. hehehehe isn't that awful. You know I joke about my ego sometimes I am serious and its way out there . But you know I went to extra mural (think that's how you spell it) and the nurse changed my bandage that protects my pic line. Now she didn't do it the way the others have been doing it and it upset me and hurt me all night. Ok pinched a little. But I called them this morning and asked if they could redo it. But not the nurse who did it yesterday because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. They were like of"of course"!! One of them told me she like my spunk and that more women should stick up for themselves. So perhaps I;m to hard on myself , its not ego, its confidence. And that's why I blog it gives me strength and I know I have many friends and champions reading and praying and helping me through this. Because sometimes I am 5 going through this.

Bed, Dreams and Grilled Cheese

2009-10-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

The last three days have been up for two down for three hours and when I wake all I need are Franks homemade grilled cheese sandwiches. They are so good. I think I slept from 1pm to 5pm then 6pm to now 9pm.
This is hard not so much emotionally its hard physically and its hard just hard. But we are getting through it. I know others have it worse, burn victims and so many other people suffer tonight more then I. I will think of them and get through it with my friends and for them tonight. Thank you for caring my friends. I'm going back to bed to daydream about buying Christian Louboutin Shoes. If Frank knew how much they cost he really would say "good drugs" instead of whatever you want honey. xoxo

Frank

2009-10-17T14:27:00.000-07:00

One minute I am done completely in , the next hour a steroid is kicking in and I'm ready to cook a meal. Wait I don't have to Cook because I have the best nurse in the world his name is Frank. He has not once said to me "you"its been "we are going through this". He used to have trouble sleeping now he sleeps 7 hours a night, gets up cooks breakfast goes to work runs home for lunch looks after me, projects are crazy at work. He's been more creative in the last two months then in the last five years. Today he rented me a chick flick cleaned the garage, got Rob busy, sometimes lies next to me and daydreams about our future trips. I am so lucky so blessed and just wanted to share and ask you to pray for him as well.
I'm starting to play with my hair, cut more off today, Jennifer my little sister cut some off in the back I went after the top. Well theres a scarf on it ....but its not to bad. One of the wigs is here and everyone is having fun trying it on. Its long auburn and copper highlights, we found a picture of me when I came home in 1981 from France my hair is identical to the wig. Natural colour before I started going blonde.
Frank is having one of his best friends over tonight Graham, so glad they can sit and drink wine talk about baseball, hockey , wine, women and I can watch t.v. upstairs. Be a little night out but in for him.
He really is the best, I don't really know much about past lives, but if I was supposed to find love in this life I did.

Rapunzel and her Golden Hair

2009-10-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

Ok Ok enough of my hair. I tend to make it sooo much about me. Well one visit to the Cancer floor and getting the chemo and I can stand to lose my hair. Its inevitable and I refuse to be a Sukey about it any longer. There I will not mention it again ...wait I can't say that I might and this is a blog after all to talk about me. So I guess it is about me. New perspective today though. Two of my lovely gorgeous friends dear friends the kind of Friends you call after a month or two of not seeing and you say where the hell you been they laugh and your on again., Love those friends and I have been blessed to have a few. Well these two friends one is a month ahead of me with chemo and she had to shave the rest of her hair last night. The other friend has had Cancer for 15 years a few times in remission and its back and she will be losing her hair. So I feel bad for sulking and pouting when so many are suffering with cancer one friend is in surgery today so that makes 4 in one summer.I don't know why God has allowed me to go through this with so much help. I won't ask why just rejoice in all the lessons and growing up I apparently have left to do.
I am tired I'm not trying to be a hero but am wired up from all the pills and chemo drugs had a needle for my bone marrow today that's new I guess. Tomorrow I am supposed to wake up nauseous, from chemo and achy from the bone needle. Like I want to go to bed now.
But I will wake up and keep going and getting through this. I want people to feel free and call next week and come visit. I love attention and love when, I'm sick to say"I'm so sick" and have you feel sorry for me. Come on I was number 7 of 9 kids I'm needy.
Well I have so many stories when I'm feeling better to regale you with so stay tuned.
love sue

One Day to Chemo

2009-10-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

The phone rang a little while ago and I thought "its the hospital and they are going to say its all been a mistake", "Chemo is Cancelled". But it was my sister. I'm not as fearful as I was, the pic line is in. It's a portable iv like tube that is all wrapped up , I'll be taking the chemo thru there and when they need to take blood etc. Thanksgiving was incredible family family family no meltdowns from anybody, with so many of us someone invariably tales a header. But not this year. Cancer hit th family and everyone changes hopefully when its all over all the positive changes will stay. Its easy once hard times are over to forget.
The left breast has shrivelled up as promised by the Dr. so I am lopsided, funny it doesn't bother me. I know what its like to be flat chested now, at least on one side. I am round, born round, not angular at all, even when at my thinnest years ago....round. I don't mind being round. My sister has these amazing clavicles and shoulders she's two inches taller so to me she was tall and willowy she would laugh at this description as she would also call herself round. Body image was destined in our house to make all of us girls diet and worry for life about our weight appearance. My Father and brothers poked fun and gave us all inferiority complexes, what they wouldn't do to change it, but I don't think our family has the patent on dysfunction.
However looks play a role when you are a woman who loves to look good, loves make up clothes all the frilly things. It wasn't to long ago that I let the girls out and was mature enough to show cleavage in a respectably sexy way. Wish I hadn't had all the hangups I did definitely wish I had shown the chest off more. Wait until they are rebuilt all I'll do is show them off.
Now the hair....Oh God ....another hurdle. If God had wanted me to have a bald head I would have been born with one. Wait I was born bald. So that doesn't fit. Please Please don't say its only hair. I have always loved my hair. Hairdressers loved it, boyfriends and husbands loved it. My son at 4 years old commented on a new haircut. My sisters always complain I had the best hair. My girlfriends loved it, some girls we're bitchy and jealous of it. So if I'm a little hung up here.......Yes far better to have caught the breast cancer and lose my hair then the alternative. But I will be sad and mourn the inevitable if you don't mind. I know it grows back blah blah blah
Well signing off now. Next time I write I will have a chemo treatment down and five more to go.
So the hair should start growing back in February.....................

Wig Day

2009-10-06T05:31:00.001-07:00

Well I 've decided to write about the meltdowns they are part of this journey and I'm hoping this will help. I get scared, I thought I was feeling sorry for myself and my friend ADA who has gone through this helped me label my feelings. Its fear. Fear of chemo, getting nauseous and sick losing my hair. Fear of Frank being upset, Rob melting down and crying. fear for all of it. So its time to take it back to one moment at a time. Fear that I won't want to glam it up again, OK lets get real when its over I will, but I want to glam up now and I can't. So I need an event I need somewhere to go. I need to go to our favourite restaurant with Frank, I have to push. Or I will melt away into mush.
So I will go with a light heart and try on wigs. All colours styles and lengths. I'll be like Samantha on Bewitched... get a black one like Serena the evil twin. Oddly there is an evil twin that lurks in me and heaven forbid you are around when she comes out. My sister Pattie was here the other night when she came out and she was hurt by it. So I better stop the theatrics. Put one foot in front of the other, accept that the swelling in my breast is going to take awhile to come down I will have discomfort and suck it up for the team. Cause I have a great team. Keepy your fingers crossed I'll let you know how it goes.

Meltdown Day

2009-10-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

Well I did it I melted down. I was tired of the tissue expander in my breast. Its sore and irritating and doesn't make me feel like dressing up. I love to dress up or look good who doesn't. I collect my clothes from vintage shops, flea markets, mall sales, designer sales. You'd think I spend a fortune but I don't. Tomorrow I vow to get up do my hair put on makeup dress up in my boots I got from France and get out of the house. I am lonely here. Need to see the world alive people working kids playing. Police cars chasing, teenagers smoking or making out. Little girls walking in cliques. I miss it.
Isolation isn't good so I will do more then blog and receive guests like a princess in her castle being coddled.
Enough I'm heading on out. I want to smile more laugh more and hug more. No more talks around the Island about the cancer the reconstruction It has its place. I want to keep living one day at a time and enjoy the journey. I need to reread my blogs and remind myself of the wonders. I saw a documentary on Salmon today. Loved it. So much more to learn instead of what the beautiful so call people in Hollywood are doing. If I see another interview with Jon Gosselin and Kate I will remove all televisions from the house.
My son still needs to be parented and his childish ways need to be reined in a little. So there now you know its not all courage from me. I fall and make a big puddle. So what my cat wants to bring me mice which I hate. she loves me. she cried for me last night and I couldn't stand it. What if I didn't have this lil angel who sleeps with me she actually puts her paws around my neck and hugs me. I wouldn't let her lately because she had a mouse in her mouth. Somethings I getta get over. I used to dance around the kitchen I will again.
I have amazing friends. Two came today the minute they knew I was crashing they were here and they both have gone through it. So that's it I'm allowed to have a bad day but not a bad week.
I can be a piece of work.

Still in the Mood to write

2009-10-04T12:13:00.000-07:00

I've said it many times on this journey that talking to the Universe blogging like this is so healing. I mean I could be talking to voices in my head then I'd have more then Cancer to worry about. I just have sooooo many stories to tell. OK here's one. Yesterday my sister in law Jennifer comes for a visit with her two amazing daughter's my nieces Emily 16 and Sarah 13. These girls well they are beautiful dark like their Mother. Thick gorgeous hair they got that from the Jarvis side.(although their dad is bald...) whatever. Well they had a nice smile when they saw my pink hair. Two other friends stopped in and before everyone left I asked the girls to sing and for Emily to play the guitar. Wow my friends we're blessed. .
Jennifer called last night to tell me something and I was asleep on the couch. There is no better feeling taking a nap when you have nothing to do except enjoy it. So she told Frank about her friend Kim who is a photographer, Jennifer's friend upon hearing about me asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllloooo its Sue here ego maybe a little.?? So after the walk for the cure my girlfriend Ada and I are sitting in Tim's with Frank and this woman walks up to us and says "are you Sue and Frank", we admitted to being this wild pair. It was Kim the photographer now she probably figured the bob and pink foils was me. Wow she is so sweet and knows some of Franks friends and she and I are getting together for a photo shoot on Thursday. I have always wanted to be a star for a day and Thursday I can assure you I will. You see I have the chemo looming in the near distance and its scaring me alot so this will take my mind off of that and well on my hair which is going to fall out. So I will have a photo shoot. Yeah
Wow I was so low this morning and by sharing I am happy. A photo shoot lil ol me soooo happy. Wow I was just going to post this and went "oh my god I haven't even thought of my breast today", the Universe, God Buddha whomever if you give you get and the blessings keep rolling in. so happy

Cure Day Oct 4th

2009-10-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the walk. Wow surreal or what I'm walking with a group of survivors and people are clapping and I;m like what the hell am I doing here. I'm a fraud a fake noooooooooooo I don't didn't have it!!!! Glad I went .... but sheesh. It was wet and so many people were excited and hoping for a cure. I hope for a cure....................vaccinate babies one day maybe and they won't get it. would;t that be amazing. Frank is so lovely to think the Universe saw fit to let him fall in love with this wild wacky and wonderful woman.
I have a way to go with treatment and mountains to climb. I am blessed with yoga instructors, nurses, housewives, heads of corporations, activists, Doctors, Mortgage Specialists, Hairstylists, women who started foundations, women who are all making a difference. Close girlfriends survivors, two friends going thru chemo right now. Women who work in the government, women who work in call centres women who waitress,(my favourite all time job). Photographers film directors, script writers, authors. All these amazing women and more. O yes and singers and actors. OK now I am making everyone jealous, But you will all meet each other. Next year I hope you will all walk for the e cure, dance for the cure, jog for the cure, put a pink streak in for me cause I'll be doing that every October. When my hair falls out I;ll save a piece to pin in. Well I'll save as many as I can to share with all of you amazing women in my life. I have 3 sisters who will be there too.
Well I will sign off now. l love life have loved alot of people...so much more life and people to love. Hey thats my quote I ussually steal them.

Walk for the Cure today

2009-10-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

Well I'm dressed and ready to go. Cannot get over how down I am this morning. The only reason I am writing about it is because I hope by remembering the low the joy of the high will last longer. I'm relying on my spirit when I hit these valleys. No painkillers or Tylenol, Advil. OK if I get in pain I take something. But I am scared of today, I was so excited yesterday died my hair pink. few foils. I guess I just want to be Sue not a survivor not a someone going through this. Its hell. I used to be so in tune with my body. I knew everything, what day I ovulated, when the full moon would make my hair grow. (crazy but true.) So all my friends going through this with me. I hope tonight I am dancing on the ceiling with hope and stories and some joy, Want my joy back.

Holy Shit Batman

2009-09-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well you'd think giving up the breast would be enough noooooooooooooooooo chemo, radiation, cancer drugs. I made an appointment today to go pick out a wig. Never in a million years did I want to do this. But you know I'm going to have a killer wig, ahem wigs. Scarves and hats. I don't know how I'll handle a bald head. I don't think its because I'm vain, who wants to be bald. But its better then the alternative not having found the cancer and well. So I definitely will get a funky one to wear if I am ever in a funky mood again. Halloween will be here and I will get an orange one for the 31st.OK enough about the wigs and baldness. If anyone reading this gets cancer or an illness I'm telling you blogging is the way to go. It's like so healing so safe in a weird way can't explain it just do it.
My breast is sore if you're wondering, the scar is long, narrow, neatly done, healing well. It's very swollen twice the size of the healthy right. The swelling will go down and the left will be smaller then the other. Yeah....I have a tight band like a tensor around my chest pressing the boobs down so the breast doesn't feel like its under my chin. That was a little hard to deal with.
I cannot believe I actually had a choice between a lumpectomy or mastectomy. I mean the breast was full of bad stuff, hard to screen on the mammogram, the ultra sound picked up the tumour, and the pathology after discovered there were two and the second bigger. Lots of homework and questions to ask. I need to better educate myself all on of this. Then I will be an activist, I will fight for women's breast everywhere, I'll be big yeah that's it big I tell you (little James Cagney for you). Well the fight right now has to be me doing it for me then I'll think about saving the world. Yeah and after my trip to Spain and Portugal next fall. Oh how soon will I forget??
Never I tell you, never will I forget and that's not being funny. My cancer was caught in time and she had decided to spread she was looking for stuff to feed on . Women girls we all need to ask more questions. I'm learning not to listen to what others say about their friends , sisters, mothers who went through it , make it you're mission to log on and read, read, learn ,learn. talk to doctors. Talk with other women eventually but not before you see your specialists surgeons. My choice was the right choice, who knew they were going to find what they did, based on the diagnostic tools and services offered to me. I made the right decision. My Oncologist agreed with me. Speaking of this I'd say 32 year old petite dynamo, she was awesome. I heard her coming down the hall before I met her and just by the clip clop of her high heels I knew she was a woman on a mission. Naturally for the first 10 minutes I gave her one liners actually kept cracking her up. then when I calmed down and listened the tears poured no no not from her me!!!!just joshing again. Frank liked her and we brought my private nurse. I will never ever be left alone in a hospital without a hired nurse to care for me. The others may be great.I met and was taken care by some of the best. But if you read about my night after the surgery you would understand.
Well I'm tired now just wanted you to know what was on my mind.The first round of chemo will be Oct 13th, if you're allowed drop by I'll be there probably all day. Frank is bringing his guitar and is going to serenade the whole floor. He has a beautiful voice, he's a real crooner, does Elvis, Beatles, French Balads, Brad Johner, Colin Ray, he is a master picker and has played with alot of somethin somethins. He's my Heroe and my Saint right now. His words of wisdom, advice, his smiles. Never enables me to go to a dark place. OK tired of reading. I;m tired of blogging. Good night.

Aha Moments are great!

2009-09-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

I finally had a day with my son. We cried together and had an old fashioned Sunday. It was like he was 10 again and we watched Television and I made him Kraft dinner. I ate out of the pot like long ago. We laughed about some of the ol times my old boyfriends and funny things he had said when he was little. He was really cute as a baby, no he was a gorgeous baby. He's gorgeous now. We didn't have it easy when we first started out as a single Mother and son. He used to stand at the end of the driveway when his Father was coming to get him. He would stand there and yell "Daddy". Honest to God I'm telling you the truth.
We we're in Halifax when his Father and I split it took me four months get money to move and get an apartment in Moncton. Once we got here I hit the wall. My back went out, I n ever had a sore back in my life. I couldn't get off the couch and depression was setting in and money was running out. My friend Kim called and told me to get my ass to Social Assistance to help me out for awhile. OMG was she crazy??? Me on welfare not for 10 seconds. After a few days of bemoaning my fate my miserable ex, I put Robert in a stroller and walked downtown to the Social Assistance office it was 3 miles and 30 degrees away, I was boiling. Yup I was in full make up and dressed like a socialite. I spoke with this lady and after convincing her (or so I thought) that I was a special case, I found out she had been my Grandmothers secretary at CKCW when she was on Television. She was so lovely to me. She helped me accept my circumstances and put me under the Unemployment umbrella, helped me get into College and I never looked back. I was on S.A. for one month , So when I think of how hard that was, all that is ahead of me has to be a piece of cake. OK not a piece of cake but I will be a stronger and better Sue. And Cancer free.
xoxoxoxox

Big News Today

2009-09-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

.Ok so the pathology came back today. Saw Dr. Tait who is my cancer surgeon. The CANCER has not spread to lymph nodes. However they found another freaking tumor in there. This one close to the chest wall and bigger. So I will have all the reconstruction of breast stopped, they will take out the tissue expander (surgery) which is a drag, because the new breast was healing well. I will have radiation and perhaps chemotherapy. This sucks but they are taking really good care of me. I have a general practitioner who is a woman, surgeon woman, plastic surgeon woman, oncologist woman, radiologist woman. So you know they will all understand that my breasts are my life. Just a lil joke for y'all. Don't worry. Frank is buying me a red convertible when I turn 50, I plan on being around to drive it. Speaking of Frank, God gave me an Angel he is absolutely fabulous, Robert is finally a student and doing so well at school. All he has on is mind is graduating in June and chicks. Fine. This is funny, Frank told me to get a cleaning lady, so I went on Kijiji and found this 60 year old Dolly Parton. She is 4ft 10 so I am taller then she is. She is a joyful spirit and all my friends want her; she is just great; she lost her husband two years ago and was looking to feel needed and I need her. She's so foxy Patti wants her to clean her house, thinking her husband may lose weight.
So I shall take the good with the bad. I will keep kicking the ass out of this. xoxoxo

Highs and Lows

2009-09-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

OMG Like all things I do, I jump in with both feet not bothering to look right or left!! Optimism or bust. Well I'm a little busted tonight. I had two days of joy, and even drove the car. I baked, cooked, and flooded the basement. I left the tap on in the basement sink downstairs , yup with the stopper on, and our beautiful new house will need a new floor in the basement. I wasn't even on pain killers; just dumb luck. Frank says I am now his official "putz". Great.
I stopped writing for a few days as I now seem to think that writing well is needed. I will try to create full sentences for your reading pleasure and put apostrophes where needed. Frank says I have a problem with your and you're, as long as you know, I told him, that I am yours.
This has been so emotional,this battle and surgery and Breast Cancer business. I have a scar on my breast and my son has even received a few scars from me as well . Next time I ask him to do something he will probably do it right away. Boy I can yell. Its his first trek into this unknown land as well, and he is a trooper. He is doing great at school, getting his Bronze Cross in swimming and just being an Angel. I love that child with all my heart. I really didn't yell that loud.
I got the blasted drain out of my breast yesterday had my first shower in two weeks today. That was so great. The drain is a tube they leave in you to drain excess fluid in the breast. It's not pleasant walking around with your body fluids hanging around your waist. Whatever it takes to get better however you do. Speaking of the waist you see more of it when a breast is gone, my waist is the shape of a Bell!!
You know you can forget, for minutes even a few hours, that this has all happened. The pain is gone, you no longer need percocets, just Tylenol, you can shower, cook, and then you move the wrong way or you catch a glimpse of yourself, panic sets in. Well for this gal it tends to. I have said before I have been living my life like I'm running out of time. Now all I want is time. Time to heal, time to dream, time to listen to those who want to talk. My father used to say " do your best today because this day will never be here again." Well, despite the ups and downs of today, I guess I will sign my name to it.

Monday Sept 21st Last day of Summer

2009-09-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

This is probably the most stressful week I will ever have. Waiting to see if Cancer is in the lymph nodes. Imagine the feeling, unless you've been diagnosed with this you can't imagine, pure unadulterated fear. No other word comes to mind. So you have to dig to the bottom of your core and pull out optimism. Because if the news isn't good you'll really need the optimism to carry you. Do exactly what you want and refuse to let a chance of negativity in. for me the negativity from myself is choking so someone accidentally saying the wrong thing is brutal.
I wish I was this naturally syrupy sweet woman, but those who know me, know the mean Sukey streak so when in her cave, don't touch her. Thank God I don't go there very often. Maybe I'm finally out. But won't know until tomorrow.

Saturday Night

2009-09-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

Thusrday...spirits lifting

2009-09-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day on caffeine since the operation. Yahoo natural Colombian Buzz. Even helped with the soreness. I knew I would pick myself up today and smile., my teenager is going to a dance tonight with his girlfriend, she's a girl and just a friend as he likes to point out. They we're so cute at dinner time. Life is going on all around me now. People we're here in time of crisis and made the route so much easier. Hope the end is soon, of bad news and diagnosis,time to heal and let go of what ifs, time to dream of the future. Live in the now.
Ok now I am sounding preachy. Someone was over today and talking about all these problems people we're having people I don't know. I wanted to yell out loud stop it stop it..I don't want bad news or gossip its poisoning my plants............ let alone me. When we say things do we say it with love??? Do we want to hear that someone might have it worse then us??? Was I someone who didn't accept people as they are, did I gossip to make myself feel better? Did I gossip or chatter and natter about nothing because that is what humans do? For today I promise not to gossip or listen to others misfortunes, I will wish well for others and keep karma positive. I will be sickening sweet until it feels real and it isn't something to try on.

September 16th "Sorrow"

2009-09-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

I hope I never forget the depth of my sorrow today, because it has to all be up from here. I am anticipating great joy. The tears stung, the breast was sore the anger the annoyances all fell hard today. But tonight I feel free and I know I will wake up tomorrow and be my spirited self. I have to be, otherwise this illness will win and it cannot be allowed to take my light.
Ok that's a little deep for me. I don't think I ever felt such sadness for myself. I hope when I feel joy again I will feel it from the tips of my tippy toes to the end of my hair. I need to remember all the miracles and the lessons I have witnessed and learned up until now. There is great love on this earth. Those of us who have it have to spread it. There is so much to do so many to help. I'm not good at feeling to the core. So much pain from the past. That ended today I cried like a Mother Bear who just lost her cub.
I was blessed today with loved ones who caught me as I fell, thank you.

September 15th Post Surgery

2009-09-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

Well I don't feel like blogging, however I committed to the idea and it helped me so much why stop now. The morning of the surgery was quite funny, because I hadn't had a period in 2 months they had to do a pregnancy test of all things. My sister Pat and I sat there and laughed at the idea especially as Frank had a vasectomy 3 years ago, I always told him to get it checked. Well of course I wasn't. The dye test for the lymph nodes was painful, but the Dr, was so sweet Dr. Brown, He was the Radiologist who did the Ultra sound and found the Lump. So sweet. So I woke up alone after surgery which was the only thing I had asked not to happen. The circumstances as to why don't matter and I grew from that as well. Damn Growth.
The nurses who attended me the first afternoon and early evening were awesome then night time came.
The evening nurse was a young girl, barely in her twenties, to be kind at this point I won't say her name. She was like a waitress taking my order and not a waitress who was interested in serving another table. She rushed around me and made me a lil nervous. My sister Jennifer stayed with me the latest she stayed until 10pm, I was hungry so she got me some ice cream. Right after she left I felt like throwing up so I called for nurse . She came and gave me something to throw up in and cleaned me up little. She left me at 10.15 (clock at foot of bed up on wall which tick ticked annoyingly all night). I was left in a sitting position my bed upright, not covered up the scent of thrown up ice cream lingering around me. I woke up at 3am, stiff neck, freezing, in pain and flabbergasted that I was left like that, 10 hours after being in surgery for 4 hours. Now I am the first to say I am a lil high maintenance and there are alot of people who would argue this and tell me I am not a high maintenance person simply one who knows what she wants and it took me 20 years to stand up for myself.
Is it theis young nurses fault to leave someone alone like that after such a loss, the loss of a breast the diagnosis of cancer alone like that? Is the our health care system??? Should she not at least checked my vitals? Checked to see if I had vomited again? The second night my roommate and I were kept awake for 3 hours by laughing nurses and chatter and the clanging of charts outside our door. I had managed to drift off then awoke again. I spoke to Eunice my roommate and she was so upset , I hobbled out of bed opened the door from our room and addresed a nurse to please come in our room. She looked at me in complete shock and came to my bed, I climbed back in yup unassisted, and told her that Eunice and I needed our sleep, and that she and her colleagues would do us a great service if they kept it down and if another chart clanged I would probably lose it!! She looks at me and says I understand would ther be anything else?? After she left Eunice thanked me as she would never have had the courage to address the nurses. We seemed to have come so far, but these we're women outside our door.....they are supposed to be our sisters. I didn't plan on having a drive through mastectomy but unfortunatley thats what I had. I had wonderful friends come to see me beauftiful flowers delivered and during the day awesome nurses on the floor. The doctors were the best. But I plan now to do something about the care. They say Breast Cancer is a Western Disease, seems to attack affluent women. Well it attacked the wrong woman or right woman because no one will ever be left 5 hours unattended and not tucked in.

Monday Sept 7th

2009-09-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Well Id don't want this anymore. Wednesday after the surgery I should be cancer free. Its the most scared I have ever been in my life. I am positive and eternally optimistic most of the time. I don't know how to feel other then scared. tonight. Frank won't be here and it sucks for me, but its worse for him and I know that. He will be here in Spirit, we have a love that is rare and we cherish it.
My vanity comes in handy right now knowing he won't see me at my worst. Surgery sucks and anesthesia is worse. There I pulled out my humour. I feel better already. I knew blogging would be the great catharthis for me. I hope thats the right word. God I have a huge ego. OK OK enough from me today.

Saturday....5 days to surgery

2009-09-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

You know I wouldn't wish this Breast Cancer on anyone but let me tell you the gifts and love and Aha moments are wonderful. You really understand the importance of slowing down and smelling the flowers. I held my two week old niece Anna yesterday, after her Mother fed her she went to sleep on my chest. I wondered how it would feel afte they take the breast. The bosom the warm place to have a head rest. The baby felt wonderful, sleeping there. I didn't think of her on my breast but felt her on my heart. Her older brother whose two was supposed to come over for a swim and he chose not to. Had he come I would have splashed around in the pool with him and missed the opportunity of getting to know Anna. She is soft and sweet fine strawberry hair and lots of it. She yawns, smiles in her sleep and I see my sister Judy in her. Was a beautiful present delivered by the Stork.

Thursday and bumps in the road.

2009-09-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

Well alot a few people I have discovered are not interested in reading the blog. I am writing it for me. Not all people would bare their souls this way. This is the way I have to do it. I have learned alot of lessons doing it this way. I understand myself more and perhaps a few others. I've always been pretty direct and you typically know where I stand on things. I never thought I would get cancer,really didn't. But I have it. I wan't to continue being myself, I am not going to let it own one part of me. Its renting right now for some reason. Well I know the reasons. I was supposed to slow down notice more listen more understand more. I've made a friend with a 2 year old. My nephew Izaac I love this kid. I' was so blessed this summer to get to know this little boy. I choose to be with him and others that I love . I love my siblings love my parents. But I need to be me and not in one way have any demands on me. Just love me, if you can't accept fake it until this is over. That is love.

Wednesday...Mastectomy

2009-09-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

I don't even know if I'm spelling mastectomy right who cares. We all know what it is to some degree, they are taking my left breast. Now this is my choice, I could have a lumpectomy but heelllloooooooooooooo like I want this back??? They think its just here in the breast. Have to have screening lymph nodes checked. Helllooooooooooooooooo take the breast. Leaving the right one, as is . She is fine and will miss the left very much. Am I scared and using humour to cover my true dark deep feelings ...awwwwwwwwwww yeah!! I refuse to go to a negative place no negative no negative. . Some of you write on face book and I cannot tell you what that has meant to me. Suppport is paramount when confronted with this Big C word.
Frank appears back to normal today. Wow, he was telling me he loved me 25 times an hour. OK so this has stopped but I kind of miss it although it was driving me crazy. Come to think of it lots is driving me crazy lately. Like who the hell is going to clean the kitty litter when I'm in the hospital, no one folds laundry right and Robert like slams the microwave door every night at midnight. He advised me yesterday that Chili would be a great snack. Manipulater I made him one tonight huge batch. Quite good. I don't know how to spell manipulater either. Did I tell you I won the spelling bee in grade 3. Should never have happened as I never studied my spelling after that , hell I won!!! So perhaps I have the spelling level of a 10 year old. Naw to hard on myself and that is negative. I type to fast thats it.

Tuesday ...Cancer

2009-09-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

Well I just can't talk or write about it today. Too much today. I'm good........a friend just called sho hasn't called me in months. She feels bad. But...friendships take work and need to be nourished and cherished. I want to forgive her. But it gives me something else to be mad at right now.

Week 2 with Breast Cancer

2009-09-01T05:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the end of the most stressful week of my life to date! Bar none! Probably more then that due to having a partner so close to the situation and a son both stressing so the house of jumpy to say the least. We saw Dr. Tate and she was great. But now is the time to decide what type of treatment. I am in favor of the bilateral mastectomy (taking both breasts) however I haven't seen Dr. Skanes who would be doing the reconstruction so when I come out of her office I will be more at peace I hope.
I cannot tell you if you haven't gone through this how tough this is. If I had a tooth causing cancer I would have it pulled. Done finito. But when its the breasts its weird I mean no one can see them and when you wear clothes who can tell if they are pretty, big, I mean wow. But then we don't breast feed with our teeth, or grab our children and others and pull them to our mouths we pull to our bosom. We pull to the comfy warm loving place. Sex well we could turn the lights out!!! Yup lots of decisions. At the end of the day many have died from cancer and it spreading. I have a chance to arrest it. I that means taking my beautiful (let me tell you they are ) breasts then so be it.

Day 7 skipped day 6

2009-08-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

WEll I have 3 women in my kitchen this mornign making sandwiches for a baby shower so exciting. The best thing about these things are the women's voices and the talks and news and some gossip. We also are all coronation street watchers so had a laugh over that. Yesterday I wasn't down in the dumps but was just so tired. Had a few friends drop by and made my famous latte for everyone. So nice that people know me for my coffee rather then wine. Just one more sleep and I get all the details and game plan to beat this thing. I had nightmares again this time I had lung cancer. ooooooooooh God. Frank is awake whenever I wake up. He is scared . We have this joke I ask him "are you my puppy dog"? he looks at me and says "woof"!! He's been saying woof alot.
If you've never heard the C word then you're lucky, because its a crazy space to be in.I think I am nicer then before. I just refuse to get upset about anything because stress is the killer. If I'm upset then everyone around me gets emotional. I made a rule when we moved into the house everyone takes off their shoes. Well naturally my two guys would forget, funny for the last week they haven't forgotten. Frank keeps talking about all our future trips we have planned. I get excited and then out of the blue I get scared I won't be here to go on them. But thats the negative part of this disease you cannot go to that place or you might get stuck there and that can't be good.
But today is all about baby Anna our new baby girl in the family. Anna has always been one of my favourite names.

Day 5 with a Breast Cancer Diagnosis

2009-08-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well I woke up pretty pretty tired. I had a nightmare about Frank, in my dream I couldn't find him, when I did he says I couldn't come home, and he would tell me why "frame by frame". Do woke up cranky and sleepy and shitty. Went to a meeting and started crying around 11 finished about1.30 My dear friend came by, Therese and we hugged and cried together. My sister was here Jennifer and her son Jack he mowes the lawn for us. (making a small fortune I might add). So we chatted Jennifer left and Therese got out all her healing tools. She knows Iroquois customs and did a cleanse on me. A friend and colleague of Franks came by she was dropping off something for Frank, so she joined the ceremony. She was exhilarated and it was great. My sense of sorrow left and went across the street and met my new neighbors. Having a wine and cheese for all my neighbors next week no one knows eachother so they need someone to initiate and I love to instigate so it will be nice.
I yelled at my son during a meltdown and crying jag. Felt bad. He felt worse. He forgave me. He's out spending his paycheck on his new girlfriend right now.
You know I was starting to get morbid about the whole thing alot of "what ifs" and "whats next"will I be here for Christmas. But I got through it, because it must be part of my process. You know I always believed I was going to grow up and be Doris Day, I watched all her movies and guess what her movies always had happy endings. So I will too. I choose to fight to live to love and to laugh. Oh and I am living quite a fairytale life so I will be fine this weekend. Two more days until I see the Surgeon and she tells me what my steps are going to be. Franks taking me to Bogarts my favourite restaurant for supper so I plan on dressing to the nines and feeling fabulouse. Thank Goodness for the support of my family and friends. God bless everyone today. Crying does clear your eyes so you can see.

Thursday eving day 4

2009-08-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Well I hope I;m not baring too much on this blog. But I really just like putting it out there I guess. I have actually learned quite a bit this week about myself and I am a fighter, Aways knew I was a go getter but a fighter. I like this Sue. Good thing I don't bite.

Day 4 Afternoon

2009-08-27T11:23:00.001-07:00

Well ordered cupcakes for a baby shower on Sunday!! Ate 2 today and bunch of crackers. But I am done stuffing myself with junk. Funny I in other times of crisis I could never eat. But this time its different. Maybe because in some weird way I am in control not the cancer. I am in control so cancer cells get lost. I am not going to let you grow and gather more cancer cell friends. I' done with you.. Frank is tired and upset this afternoon kind of holding it all together for me and Rob but he is tired. Good news though so many projects at work to keep him busy. Had fun with my sisters and nieces for an hour at Jennifers. Love those girls.

Day 4 With Breast Cancer

2009-08-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

Well thank goodness for this blog because it is slowing me down. I can get prettty hyper and so I need to slow down. Frank is telling me everytime he sees me how much he loves me. Finding true love is amazing. Knowing someone loves you as much as you love them, trusting they will never break your heart. A few weeks ago my sister Patti and I went to the copper roof and little craft store in the country. I found the bust of a woman, she looks like a woman from the 1800,its a bust of her neckline only and her hair is pulled back in a bun. She has spots all over her. I bought her. I remember when I bought her that I had to have her and couldn't understand why. Well now I know. Last night I was looking at her and realized she doesn't have breasts. So maybe she is me. I decided to put her by my bed and everyday I am going to remove a spot with white paint. The spots to me represent cancer. She is my little beacon of hope when all her spots are gone my shall be too!!

Day 3 Evening

2009-08-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

Wow what a day. So many emotions the up and downs. But tonight we had our bridge lesson. Frank is teaching my two girlfriends and myself Bridge. For 3 hours no Cancer talk. Laughter and good stress. Love cards. My baby boy called me from work he's so sad, for his Momma. But he will be fine as long as I keep my attitude. Optimism the only way to go from here. So much to look forward to. Oh and there's a new baby in our Family my nephews wife gave birth to a much awaited for girl. Anna, what a sweetie, they have a lil darling named Izack, my sister had 3 boys and now she has a grand baby girl. So happy for her. I'm discovering I love plants want to watch them grow and thrive. Life is good. 4 more days til I see the surgeon. Not wishing my life away but can't wait to hear what the steps and options are for me. It's going to get rough so I am going to be so strong. Frank had all kinds of projects coming up so he will be busy and not thinking about me and worrying. That's a gooda. Well goodnight to whomever is reading this. Keep praying but pray for yourself too. I prayed for this life and I got it. It's pretty sweet. Oh and met my neighbor across the street, hope she can handle the wild wonderful wacky woman across the street from her.

Day 3 Afternoon

2009-08-26T08:58:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm getting tired because in the grocery store I was getting pouty and angry. Then I saw some plants and decided to buy them. Need to take care of something other then me right now. I've discovered I just may have a green thumb. I had what ever I wanted for lunch..which turned out to be my regular healthy fare. Had Rhubarb Strawberry pie with Frank though. Rob is going to hang out with me this afternoon. This I like.

Day 3 Breast Cancer Diary

2009-08-26T04:58:00.001-07:00

Today I feel like I should start my Blog with "Dear Diary", so many thoughts run through my head. I got up this morning and said should we put a sign on the door "Cancer here" to warn people but its not contagious. There are already so many positive things happening to me for example I always weighed myself. Today I didn't I mean who cares how much you weigh when you have cancer?? So another bad habit put to bed. Looking forward to my day going to feed my sisters cats and then to a AA meeting. Thank god I sobered up, can you imagine if I still drank.
OK those of you who didn't know yeah I had a drinking problem, but I survived that too!

End of Day 2

2009-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Wow so much love out there. Hate when people start to cry. I will be OK I see the surgeon on Monday the 31st and will know all the steps to this. My son is sad and confused my darling neices Taylor and Marin are scared and Jack my nephew, everyone they have known that had cancer died from it. Now I know why I have it. To show them people and their Aunt Sue will be a survivor.
Got a pair of shoes on sale today. So some things thank god will stay the same. Speaking of God I know he is with me and he is sad too!

Still Day 2 Still Breast Cancer

2009-08-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well I will neverhave aday two with this diagnosis again if I can suggest not going to the Lingerie dept at Sears to anyone else. It was ok until I realized I shouldn't bua bra until I knew what I was dealing with. Maybe I wouldn't have a breast in a week. So I started to cry right there. My friend Bonnie was with me. Such a drag. Really tired of this already.

Day two with a Cancer Diagnosis

2009-08-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

Well I just ate a brownie and two oreo cookies so already "Cancer" has brought good into my life. I would never eat chocolate for lunch. I feel no guilt why should I? I have breast cancer IDC. I spoke to a cool friend and one I have known since Girl Guide Camp when I was 12.She is a nurse with a bunch of degrees. Very smart girl. Gave good advice. See I have 5 days to go to speak to the Surgeon . About what I am looking at. I had a hard time going to sleep but I started a blog by the way. I know nothing about these applications and how anyone can read or access this. Anyway.So I had a hard time going to sleep. had myself dead and buried. Robert brought a little girlfriend home last night. Another good thing from cancer. He has never brought a girl home. He was always afraid I would embarrass him. Meeeeeeeeeeeee???heheheheh

Still day 1

2009-08-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well all my dear friends have called or emailed their prayers. Enough for now. Need sleep this blog is going to be a great source of venting. So sleep will help me fight.

Spirited Sues Day One with Breast Cancer Diagnosis

2009-08-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

Well today is the day I change my life I guess, or not. Will I stay as joyful and radiant and giving. Or will my alter ego come out (my evil twin Serena). Hope I stay joyful and funny because this is just a piiss off. Cancer for petes sake like I needed this. Who needs this I don't want it I want to go to bed and wake up again and the Doctor says good news?? You're biopsy is fine. Go back to your life. But that's not the deal.
My son called me at noon and said Mom I love you, I promise not to stress you out. Thing is he is 18 so he leaving the house stresses me out. He is the clone of me and I know the stuff he can get into and although he tells me everything I know he leaves alot out. Frank just woke up my absolute angel , he really is an angel.
I emailed a bunch of friends and gave them the news on hotmail well why not. I hate the phone unless its me who wants to talk (evil twin). Well I'm going to read up on "infiltrating ductal carcinoma. By the way I cannot spell so sorry for those who read this and wonder what level of education I have.