Ouchy Ouch

They said my hair would fall out but they don't tell you your head feels like a sunburn, you know the kind of sunburn that nothing can touch you're skin. But I just take e Tylenol and when my head is ok I try on my wigs. I haven't taken any calls this week well not many its to hard to chat. I have some pretty amazing friends. I have another chemo on Wednesday ughhh but after that just four more to go. I look forward to Franks grilled cheese sandwiches. Oh and ice cream udderly divine is the best.
My teenager is not adjusting to my illness and causing some turbulence please pray for me and that boy.
My cat has been out all day the lil tramp as well, poor thing is having a hard time finding mice. I went to Look good feel Good at the hospital. They showed us how to take care of our wigs, how to wear scarves, how to put on makeup. I cried the first 15 minutes (they didn't see) it was hard to accept I was one of those women. Some sat so proudly with their bald heads I am so not there yet. I may never be but I think I will be. I want to go through everything. I had my hair cut so short yesterday and oh I never wanted short hair on me. When I am feeling like myself I try the wigs on and am getting a little more friendly towards them.
Some ladies at Look Good told their stories and what it has been like for them, it was nice knowing I am not alone. The lady next to me was waiting for her pathology to come back. I remember how tense that time period was, and hey I got through that.
Well I have no more to write, I do have joy my light is just not shining today.
God bless my friends.

Time Travelling

Today I want to go back in time, before this diagnosis and journey, to a time I had two breasts and I would take the worst pms day ever. I woke up today sad just so sad and longing for that breast that always gave me pain and grief and would grow larger then the other during some menopausal cycles.

I remembered today when I got my first bra, I ran up the street to show all my friends, I literally threw up my top and proudly displayed my first entry into womanhood. Those of you who know my smile picture it like the jokers from Batman huge and proud and thinking how envious are you. I would take that day back in spades, maybe I will re enact it when I get my reconstruction, however Frank may not like that. People don't know what to say when you mention the mastectomy, I wonder if some women imagine themselves holding on to theirs for dear life and hoping they can't catch what I have. Oh yes the alternative would have been not to have caught the cancer, what if I'd had a lumpectomy would they have found the second tumour lingering against the chest wall.

You know writing this down and knowing my friends who love me are reading this and going through this with me is so healing you have to know it is making me better. Some days however humour just can't cut it.

Off and on all day I would just start the sniffling and Frank poor thing just doesn't know what to say, then he comes and gives me a hug and pats me with a little too much empathy and hurts the incision area under my arm and he just dies inside.

We went for a nice walk, now this is a new thing due to breast cancer Frank only likes to walk the golf course, so after one of my sniffling sessions he agrees to a walk and he loved it. When I said do yo want to go further he practically yells no, but he will go again, very therapeutic.

My shopping (some say addiction) look if shopping at French's is an addiction.............there are alot worse I could do. But even that isn't helping when I feel like this.

So I just say shit shit shit out loud by writing my blog, whine alittle with you and Voila I feel better. I did wear a bra on Friday and I could be having worse symptoms then I have had so Susan smarten the hell up.

As always thank you for listening and when I have a new breast all treatments are done I am cancer completely free..I may flash you my new chest.

Fantastic Day

This has been an extraordinary day. I wore a bra today, I feel like singing Shania Twains Man I feel like a woman!! The right one was really starting to blend in with my tummy.

By the way I'm also typing on a laptop Frank brought home to me today, the keyboard is a french keyboard so I will be making typing mistakes again I apologize for my grammatical mistakes I really am trying to improve my use of the English language. OK back to my day.

Breakfast with one of my childhood friends Therese, then Frenchy's, OH JOY OH BLISS. Home for lunch then went to Frank's office and saw his staff, who are sensational. Then to the La Martinique to pick up my wig. (So Jennifer Anniston). Then to the Mall to finish off my new wardrobe. I ran into a really nice lady I worked with years ago and we had a nice chat.

Now you have to hear about my cat Calli: well Calli who is an indoor cat who likes to think she is an outdoor cat started to rant at the door. Then she was all over me meowing rubbing against my legs I stepped on her tail she didn't move, kept bothering me. So I said Calli it's a mouse isn't it? So I let her out and sure enough when I came home there was a mouse on the door mat. I go upstairs (Rob had let her in) and she is looking at me so dreamily. Since my diagnosis all field mice are in big trouble. I am starting to really feel sorry for them. Anyway I think this is funny. So I now have ESP with my cat.

I am noticing however that Sales Clerks, Doctors, Hairstylists, Receptionists....all these women that I spoke to on my fantastic day have one thing in common ...here it is.....OK I'll say it why start censuring now....WEIGHT ISSUES!! Come on I thought I was alone in this, hating the scale, legalizing some foods and banishing others forever or until the deprivation gene associated with this malady goes through cell division and all of a sudden the brownies they denied themselves for 3 weeks are on the counter and in the mouth. OMG we need to help each other. Weight gain is a natural right of getting a li'l older, we don't want the 25 year old body again. OK so plastic surgery is a billion dollar business some of us want those boyfriend jeans or skinny jeans , I mean I may have a slight addiction to shopping and we are building a new room for my shoes but come on lets eat, walk a little and stop dieting, stop the cleansing, the south beach, all of it. If the effort I put into dieting the last 30 years and worrying about my looks I could have a doctorate in nutrition. You know what some of us look good with curves, some of us have ruined our set point forever. During my fantastic day today 4 woman mentioned to someone who is bloated from chemo drugs, has to eat every two hours to not feel nauseous, how much weight they have gained. For me this is sadder then breast cancer. Are we going to be judging ourselves at 90 years old on what the scale says. Look for health reasons don't eat the whole pie but eat a piece of it buy the skinny jeans and feel sexy in them. Listen those of you who are unhappy with your weight tonight, do you think all the diets I went on meant anything to me last week when I was hooked up to chemo??? I'd give anything to never have had bought a diet book or given one to someone to help them lose, because I had lost weight on that particular one. My dieting journey started at 13 and ended August 24th 2009 with a Breast Cancer diagnosis. I will have relapses I will when I see myself falling back into crazy food thoughts, remember an email sent to me from a high school friend whom upon reading my blog picked up on my disorder and gently reminded me to lose the crazy thinking and eat. We need to be a sisterhood we need to talk about our good deeds who we helped today not what the scale told us to think about.

Thanks for listening and helping me my dear friends.

I week post chemo

Well we got through it. Was a new experience and now we know what to expect. I remember old movies with people near death, black eyes, the vomiting, frail. Wasn't like that for me. Firstly I am not dying, chemo has been infused into my body to claim all foreign cells, cancer cells and to make me well. Hell of a cocktail with a 6 day hangover. However the raucousness is crazy, lots of pills for that, steroids, oh boy steroids they give this unreal energy then you fall like 40000ft. You are literally up then down. But I think the week went by fast. Its a vague memory now.
We've had unreal help from the family, friends have been fantastic, the sweets in the house are causing buttons to literally fly off Franks waistband. He is a little upset by this. He claims he's losing a little. I love him just the way he is. Robb is benefiting from all the homemade sweets as well, there is literally a crummy line from the frig down the stairs to his room. But my guys are eating .
My head is tender and the hair starting to come out a little. Went for a fitting of my $1200 wig yesterday. Blonde long beautiful natural waves. Friday we style and there I am happy. Our health plan covers it so I don't feel too indulgent. I will wear a synthetic one as well and I will donate the real one when this is over. OK so I'm justifying a little here, remember God isn't done with me yet.
I'm reading a book called "The Intelligent Patient Guide to Breast Cancer" 4Th edition compiled by leading Specialists. It is clear and is helping me to understand a little more, my Mother thinks I'm positively brilliant on the subject now. Speaking of my Mother I don't blog about my Mother. I've discovered through this Breast Cancer Journey that I am not my Mother's Daughter as I had once thought. I look like her sound like her, mannerisms the same. But we are two complete different characters in this play of life, . But we'll save her for my Therapist and perhaps a future blog....... I admire who she was, and her accomplishments. She is quite funny and I enjoy her, but at her age she is having a tough time with this Breast Cancer Diagnosis. She definitely doesn't choose to understand or read my blog.
I'm hoping next week to start in my Art room and do something creative. I have tons of ideas and if anyone has any ideas for me or would like to come and do a project with me I am open. You just have to wear a mask on week 2 post chemo, not have a hint of a cold or live with someone who has the flu or cold. hehehehe isn't that awful. You know I joke about my ego sometimes I am serious and its way out there . But you know I went to extra mural (think that's how you spell it) and the nurse changed my bandage that protects my pic line. Now she didn't do it the way the others have been doing it and it upset me and hurt me all night. Ok pinched a little. But I called them this morning and asked if they could redo it. But not the nurse who did it yesterday because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. They were like of"of course"!! One of them told me she like my spunk and that more women should stick up for themselves. So perhaps I;m to hard on myself , its not ego, its confidence. And that's why I blog it gives me strength and I know I have many friends and champions reading and praying and helping me through this. Because sometimes I am 5 going through this.

Bed, Dreams and Grilled Cheese

The last three days have been up for two down for three hours and when I wake all I need are Franks homemade grilled cheese sandwiches. They are so good. I think I slept from 1pm to 5pm then 6pm to now 9pm.
This is hard not so much emotionally its hard physically and its hard just hard. But we are getting through it. I know others have it worse, burn victims and so many other people suffer tonight more then I. I will think of them and get through it with my friends and for them tonight. Thank you for caring my friends. I'm going back to bed to daydream about buying Christian Louboutin Shoes. If Frank knew how much they cost he really would say "good drugs" instead of whatever you want honey. xoxo

Frank

One minute I am done completely in , the next hour a steroid is kicking in and I'm ready to cook a meal. Wait I don't have to Cook because I have the best nurse in the world his name is Frank. He has not once said to me "you"its been "we are going through this". He used to have trouble sleeping now he sleeps 7 hours a night, gets up cooks breakfast goes to work runs home for lunch looks after me, projects are crazy at work. He's been more creative in the last two months then in the last five years. Today he rented me a chick flick cleaned the garage, got Rob busy, sometimes lies next to me and daydreams about our future trips. I am so lucky so blessed and just wanted to share and ask you to pray for him as well.
I'm starting to play with my hair, cut more off today, Jennifer my little sister cut some off in the back I went after the top. Well theres a scarf on it ....but its not to bad. One of the wigs is here and everyone is having fun trying it on. Its long auburn and copper highlights, we found a picture of me when I came home in 1981 from France my hair is identical to the wig. Natural colour before I started going blonde.
Frank is having one of his best friends over tonight Graham, so glad they can sit and drink wine talk about baseball, hockey , wine, women and I can watch t.v. upstairs. Be a little night out but in for him.
He really is the best, I don't really know much about past lives, but if I was supposed to find love in this life I did.

Rapunzel and her Golden Hair

Ok Ok enough of my hair. I tend to make it sooo much about me. Well one visit to the Cancer floor and getting the chemo and I can stand to lose my hair. Its inevitable and I refuse to be a Sukey about it any longer. There I will not mention it again ...wait I can't say that I might and this is a blog after all to talk about me. So I guess it is about me. New perspective today though. Two of my lovely gorgeous friends dear friends the kind of Friends you call after a month or two of not seeing and you say where the hell you been they laugh and your on again., Love those friends and I have been blessed to have a few. Well these two friends one is a month ahead of me with chemo and she had to shave the rest of her hair last night. The other friend has had Cancer for 15 years a few times in remission and its back and she will be losing her hair. So I feel bad for sulking and pouting when so many are suffering with cancer one friend is in surgery today so that makes 4 in one summer.I don't know why God has allowed me to go through this with so much help. I won't ask why just rejoice in all the lessons and growing up I apparently have left to do.
I am tired I'm not trying to be a hero but am wired up from all the pills and chemo drugs had a needle for my bone marrow today that's new I guess. Tomorrow I am supposed to wake up nauseous, from chemo and achy from the bone needle. Like I want to go to bed now.
But I will wake up and keep going and getting through this. I want people to feel free and call next week and come visit. I love attention and love when, I'm sick to say"I'm so sick" and have you feel sorry for me. Come on I was number 7 of 9 kids I'm needy.
Well I have so many stories when I'm feeling better to regale you with so stay tuned.
love sue

One Day to Chemo

The phone rang a little while ago and I thought "its the hospital and they are going to say its all been a mistake", "Chemo is Cancelled". But it was my sister. I'm not as fearful as I was, the pic line is in. It's a portable iv like tube that is all wrapped up , I'll be taking the chemo thru there and when they need to take blood etc. Thanksgiving was incredible family family family no meltdowns from anybody, with so many of us someone invariably tales a header. But not this year. Cancer hit th family and everyone changes hopefully when its all over all the positive changes will stay. Its easy once hard times are over to forget.
The left breast has shrivelled up as promised by the Dr. so I am lopsided, funny it doesn't bother me. I know what its like to be flat chested now, at least on one side. I am round, born round, not angular at all, even when at my thinnest years ago....round. I don't mind being round. My sister has these amazing clavicles and shoulders she's two inches taller so to me she was tall and willowy she would laugh at this description as she would also call herself round. Body image was destined in our house to make all of us girls diet and worry for life about our weight appearance. My Father and brothers poked fun and gave us all inferiority complexes, what they wouldn't do to change it, but I don't think our family has the patent on dysfunction.
However looks play a role when you are a woman who loves to look good, loves make up clothes all the frilly things. It wasn't to long ago that I let the girls out and was mature enough to show cleavage in a respectably sexy way. Wish I hadn't had all the hangups I did definitely wish I had shown the chest off more. Wait until they are rebuilt all I'll do is show them off.
Now the hair....Oh God ....another hurdle. If God had wanted me to have a bald head I would have been born with one. Wait I was born bald. So that doesn't fit. Please Please don't say its only hair. I have always loved my hair. Hairdressers loved it, boyfriends and husbands loved it. My son at 4 years old commented on a new haircut. My sisters always complain I had the best hair. My girlfriends loved it, some girls we're bitchy and jealous of it. So if I'm a little hung up here.......Yes far better to have caught the breast cancer and lose my hair then the alternative. But I will be sad and mourn the inevitable if you don't mind. I know it grows back blah blah blah
Well signing off now. Next time I write I will have a chemo treatment down and five more to go.
So the hair should start growing back in February.....................

Wig Day

Well I 've decided to write about the meltdowns they are part of this journey and I'm hoping this will help. I get scared, I thought I was feeling sorry for myself and my friend ADA who has gone through this helped me label my feelings. Its fear. Fear of chemo, getting nauseous and sick losing my hair. Fear of Frank being upset, Rob melting down and crying. fear for all of it. So its time to take it back to one moment at a time. Fear that I won't want to glam it up again, OK lets get real when its over I will, but I want to glam up now and I can't. So I need an event I need somewhere to go. I need to go to our favourite restaurant with Frank, I have to push. Or I will melt away into mush.
So I will go with a light heart and try on wigs. All colours styles and lengths. I'll be like Samantha on Bewitched... get a black one like Serena the evil twin. Oddly there is an evil twin that lurks in me and heaven forbid you are around when she comes out. My sister Pattie was here the other night when she came out and she was hurt by it. So I better stop the theatrics. Put one foot in front of the other, accept that the swelling in my breast is going to take awhile to come down I will have discomfort and suck it up for the team. Cause I have a great team. Keepy your fingers crossed I'll let you know how it goes.

Meltdown Day

Well I did it I melted down. I was tired of the tissue expander in my breast. Its sore and irritating and doesn't make me feel like dressing up. I love to dress up or look good who doesn't. I collect my clothes from vintage shops, flea markets, mall sales, designer sales. You'd think I spend a fortune but I don't. Tomorrow I vow to get up do my hair put on makeup dress up in my boots I got from France and get out of the house. I am lonely here. Need to see the world alive people working kids playing. Police cars chasing, teenagers smoking or making out. Little girls walking in cliques. I miss it.
Isolation isn't good so I will do more then blog and receive guests like a princess in her castle being coddled.
Enough I'm heading on out. I want to smile more laugh more and hug more. No more talks around the Island about the cancer the reconstruction It has its place. I want to keep living one day at a time and enjoy the journey. I need to reread my blogs and remind myself of the wonders. I saw a documentary on Salmon today. Loved it. So much more to learn instead of what the beautiful so call people in Hollywood are doing. If I see another interview with Jon Gosselin and Kate I will remove all televisions from the house.
My son still needs to be parented and his childish ways need to be reined in a little. So there now you know its not all courage from me. I fall and make a big puddle. So what my cat wants to bring me mice which I hate. she loves me. she cried for me last night and I couldn't stand it. What if I didn't have this lil angel who sleeps with me she actually puts her paws around my neck and hugs me. I wouldn't let her lately because she had a mouse in her mouth. Somethings I getta get over. I used to dance around the kitchen I will again.
I have amazing friends. Two came today the minute they knew I was crashing they were here and they both have gone through it. So that's it I'm allowed to have a bad day but not a bad week.
I can be a piece of work.

Still in the Mood to write

I've said it many times on this journey that talking to the Universe blogging like this is so healing. I mean I could be talking to voices in my head then I'd have more then Cancer to worry about. I just have sooooo many stories to tell. OK here's one. Yesterday my sister in law Jennifer comes for a visit with her two amazing daughter's my nieces Emily 16 and Sarah 13. These girls well they are beautiful dark like their Mother. Thick gorgeous hair they got that from the Jarvis side.(although their dad is bald...) whatever. Well they had a nice smile when they saw my pink hair. Two other friends stopped in and before everyone left I asked the girls to sing and for Emily to play the guitar. Wow my friends we're blessed. .
Jennifer called last night to tell me something and I was asleep on the couch. There is no better feeling taking a nap when you have nothing to do except enjoy it. So she told Frank about her friend Kim who is a photographer, Jennifer's friend upon hearing about me asked if she could do a photo shoot of me. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllloooo its Sue here ego maybe a little.?? So after the walk for the cure my girlfriend Ada and I are sitting in Tim's with Frank and this woman walks up to us and says "are you Sue and Frank", we admitted to being this wild pair. It was Kim the photographer now she probably figured the bob and pink foils was me. Wow she is so sweet and knows some of Franks friends and she and I are getting together for a photo shoot on Thursday. I have always wanted to be a star for a day and Thursday I can assure you I will. You see I have the chemo looming in the near distance and its scaring me alot so this will take my mind off of that and well on my hair which is going to fall out. So I will have a photo shoot. Yeah
Wow I was so low this morning and by sharing I am happy. A photo shoot lil ol me soooo happy. Wow I was just going to post this and went "oh my god I haven't even thought of my breast today", the Universe, God Buddha whomever if you give you get and the blessings keep rolling in. so happy

Cure Day Oct 4th

I just got back from the walk. Wow surreal or what I'm walking with a group of survivors and people are clapping and I;m like what the hell am I doing here. I'm a fraud a fake noooooooooooo I don't didn't have it!!!! Glad I went .... but sheesh. It was wet and so many people were excited and hoping for a cure. I hope for a cure....................vaccinate babies one day maybe and they won't get it. would;t that be amazing. Frank is so lovely to think the Universe saw fit to let him fall in love with this wild wacky and wonderful woman.
I have a way to go with treatment and mountains to climb. I am blessed with yoga instructors, nurses, housewives, heads of corporations, activists, Doctors, Mortgage Specialists, Hairstylists, women who started foundations, women who are all making a difference. Close girlfriends survivors, two friends going thru chemo right now. Women who work in the government, women who work in call centres women who waitress,(my favourite all time job). Photographers film directors, script writers, authors. All these amazing women and more. O yes and singers and actors. OK now I am making everyone jealous, But you will all meet each other. Next year I hope you will all walk for the e cure, dance for the cure, jog for the cure, put a pink streak in for me cause I'll be doing that every October. When my hair falls out I;ll save a piece to pin in. Well I'll save as many as I can to share with all of you amazing women in my life. I have 3 sisters who will be there too.
Well I will sign off now. l love life have loved alot of people...so much more life and people to love. Hey thats my quote I ussually steal them.

Walk for the Cure today

Well I'm dressed and ready to go. Cannot get over how down I am this morning. The only reason I am writing about it is because I hope by remembering the low the joy of the high will last longer. I'm relying on my spirit when I hit these valleys. No painkillers or Tylenol, Advil. OK if I get in pain I take something. But I am scared of today, I was so excited yesterday died my hair pink. few foils. I guess I just want to be Sue not a survivor not a someone going through this. Its hell. I used to be so in tune with my body. I knew everything, what day I ovulated, when the full moon would make my hair grow. (crazy but true.) So all my friends going through this with me. I hope tonight I am dancing on the ceiling with hope and stories and some joy, Want my joy back.